The Emotional Support Thread

[dahmage]

Anywoozles

No woozles here

 

[Duragizer]

 

[Warbler]

I am feeling sad, depressed, and lonely, and I am not sure why.

 

[Possessed]

Well that's a start.  Finding out why could be a great opportunity to learn more about yourself and your own needs.

 

[Masirimso17]

I agree with Possesed.

Maybe it’s about Valentine’s Day?

 

[Warbler]

I’m sure that is part of it.  Do you what the day should really be called for me? Passover.

 

[Duragizer]

I empathize, Warb. Valentine's ain't that hot when you haven't anyone to share it with.

 

[Masirimso17]

^Agreed. But Valentine’s is just a capitalist scheme anyway. At least, I try to make myself feel better with that fact.

 

[Handman]

I'm spending Valentine's Day with the one I love later today.  Only problem is she doesn't love me, and I can't really tell her about any of these feelings of mine, not again.  I don't know which is worse, being alone or being unable to express the love you have.  In the end, they're both terrible.

 

[Warbler]

Sorry, Handman.

 

[ArtisDead]

^Agreed. But Valentine’s is just a capitalist scheme anyway. At least, I try to make myself feel better with that fact.

I agree. Hallmark and Sweethearts massively commercialized it. We shouldn't have to be made to feel lonely because we don't have a significant romantic interest in our lives on this day. Nor should we be compelled to spend a bunch of money on our significant romantic interest just because of the day.

This is why I shun all holidays except birthdays, thanksgiving (the family...not my choice) and Christmas (the kids...not my choice, either). I would shun all except birthdays if I could. Then I would be The Grinch of my family.

Capitalist brainwashing makes me insane with disdain. Another means of control.

Reveal message

I can see Sinbad or Drink finding an "out of context" in that last statement.

I would do it myself but thanks to a certain feline in our midst, I no longer choose to play with myself.

There it is...bait!

 

[Duragizer]

I have no problems with any holidays in their purest forms. The corporate machine tells us "celebration = buying lots of expensive crap", but we can choose to ignore that noisome voice and celebrate in our own humble fashion.

 

[Handman]

I'm spending Valentine's Day with the one I love later today.  Only problem is she doesn't love me, and I can't really tell her about any of these feelings of mine, not again.  I don't know which is worse, being alone or being unable to express the love you have.  In the end, they're both terrible.

I thought I'd be able to just hang out and talk with her today, but she had invited the other friends of ours and it was the same old song.  Fun but empty.  I feel hollow inside.

 

[Gaith]

^ I know that can be hard, but friends are a blessing, hombre. Friends lead to other friends, and that can lead to great things. In high school, I was totally in love with a friend for over a year. When I finally got a crush on someone else, thus eliminating the ever-present awkwardness between us, we became better and closer friends than I could have imagined. (In a purely platonic, but no less wonderful for that, sense.)

I’m sure that is part of it.  Do you what the day should really be called for me? Passover.

I prefer "Independence Day."  

An Open Letter to the Lonely Hearts of this thread: I've been single my entire adult life, which happens to be about as long a time as some of you posters can even recall. True, I've often not tried to meet anyone, I've frequently been in awkward life circumstances or generally feeling low on mojo, and I've rarely lived every day as vibrantly and fully as I've been capable of. Generally speaking, I've almost always been open to Life gifting me with a can't-miss, silver platter opportunity for romance and passion, but, ever since a brief interlude when I was 16, Life has pretty much declined to do so. I'd like to be magnanimous, and sing Love's Been Good to Me along with Johnny, but, in fairness to myself, it hasn't - not yet.

I know that if my, say, 17-year-old self could hop in a DeLorean and visit me for even a quarter-hour, one of his first questions would be how we've done with the ladies, and I know the truth would appall him. He'd immediately start drilling me on where I went to college, what I did afterwards, what sort of jobs I held and where - all so he could chart as different a course as possible, in hopes of more romantic results. And though him choosing a different college in another state, and maybe going straight for nursing school instead of serving an unexpected enlistment in the Navy (which, to be fair, is how I got the idea for that profession), would mean I'd never meet several of my closest and dearest friends, and although I'm at peace with the decisions I've made and the path I've taken, I don't think I could deprive my younger self such an opportunity. The thought of never having met those friends I made as an adult is horrible, and even thinking this fantastical scenario kinda feels like betraying them, but good friends can be made everywhere, and I've deserved better treatment from Aphrodite than this, damn it.

Some of you are talking about chasing dreams of filmmaking. I share those dreams, but I'm studying to become a nurse administrator, so that I can have a solid day job I enjoy (if not necessarily absolutely love), thus giving me the security to pursue artistic hobbies in my free time, but also to be a viable relationship partner for a great woman. Nursing isn't my passion, but I am passionate about wanting to be in a fantastic relationship at some point, so I'm pursuing nursing now, so the other thing may come later. (Also, let's face it, if the past few years in the entertainment world and world at large have taught us anything, it's surely that what humanity needs these days, culture-wise, is not exactly another young, sheltered, hetero white American who daydreams about making movies full of explosions and hot women in form-fitting outfits.)

I'm not telling anyone not to chase filmmaking dreams if you also have them. I may be recommending that you take a cold, hard look at your chances and most likely prospects in any given career field, and ask yourself how broke and grasping you're willing to be, and for how long, but that's about it. I'm not here to preach. I've always thought that I needed more life experience before trying to make any art of substance, so maybe this nursing is just my long-game shot at filmmaking glory after all. I don't know. I'm not a wise man or a great man; I'm just a bloke trying to be a good man.

I like to sardonically call myself "The Most Single Man in America", and here's another Valentine's Day, and, yep, still single. I actually have rational basis to think this streak may end fairly soon, due largely to significant effort of my own (no silver platter situation), but today, right now, I've earned my title and it's still mine, blast it. I've been single for ages and ages despite being, IMHO, a decent to solid prospect most of this time, and often in spite of active searching and outreach, so I won't sugarcoat things for anyone: you may get rotten luck like mine, and you may, like me, experience far less romance than you'd like for a very long time. Given how the lives of nearly all my peers have gone, you're statistically unlikely to be as unlucky in this department as myself, but, it could happen.

If I have any actual advice, then, it's this: make a plan. Better yourself each day, both as an individual and a fantastic partner's potential partner. Research career paths that don't require extraordinary luck to find success, ones you think you could live with, and at least consider pursuing them. Do push-ups and sit-ups and pull-ups. Go on dating apps, ask female friends to evaluate your wardrobe and room, and ask them to consider referring any single friends they may have your way. Ask a cute girl in your class/school/work to coffee/ice cream/a pub/whatever. Take an improv acting class, and thereby train yourself in making things up in the moment while in character (in this case, of a confident, desirable gentleman - fake it 'til you make it). Ask women friends about their rotten dating experiences (everyone has them, and they love to grouse about them), and learn from those guys' mistakes. Take dancing lessons. Limit your pron intake. Learn to cook. Reach out to someone who also seems isolated.

Good luck.

 

[Handman]

I know that can be hard, but friends are a blessing, hombre.

Not these friends.  They don't know me at all.  No one does.

Go on dating apps, ask female friends to evaluate your wardrobe and room, and ask them to consider referring any single friends they may have your way. Ask a cute girl in your class/school/work to coffee/ice cream/a pub/whatever. Take an improv acting class, and thereby train yourself in making things up in the moment while in character (in this case, of a confident, desirable gentleman - fake it 'til you make it). Ask women friends about their rotten dating experiences (everyone has them, and they love to grouse about them), and learn from those guys' mistakes. Take dancing lessons. Limit your pron intake. Learn to cook. Reach out to someone who also seems isolated.

I can't do any of this.  I've tried most of these and failed, time and time again.  And I just ended up feeling even worse.  Here's to being alone all the time.

I just can't relate to anybody.  And I have a very hard time relating to how society functions in the 21st century.  These friends I've mentioned before say I belong to the 50s, that I'm an old man.  Maybe I am, maybe I do.  It still hurts.

I am hopeless and hollow.  And nothing works.

 

[Masirimso17]

@"Gaith" Thanks very much, great post. Means a lot to me

@"Handman" I may be young to say this but my largely awkward and outcast Middle and High School years went by with me trying to be a part of social groups, trying to flirt to be with a girl, always trying to be part of something, always trying. But I think it was trying too hard that didn’t work for me. Maybe it’s similar to your situation?

My friend pokes fun that whenever a girl gives the slightest interest to me (friendly or otherwise—mostly friendly) I always fall in love with her, or at least get infatuated with her. That’s true, and I always go into these relationships with the mindset that I’d like her to be my girlfriend, which of course changes my behavior. And the girls aren’t stupid, they get what I’m doing, and they don’t want that to happen because I never allow the relationship to flow naturally. I realized (only very recently) that I should go into relationships the same with everyone, friendly. If a romance is going to happen, it’s going to happen naturally. Plus seeming available to girls and acting like you want them isn’t very attractive. So let’s just let it flow. No need to force it.

 

[Gaith]

I can't do any of this.  I've tried most of these and failed, time and time again.  And I just ended up feeling even worse.  Here's to being alone all the time.

Trying and not getting the optimal result isn't failing; it's practice. How does a kid who's never touched a piano get to the point where she can flawlessly play an extremely difficult sonata? By practicing and hitting wrong notes and starting over and practicing again over, and over, thousands of times.

That said, there's nothing wrong - and indeed there's lots right - with recognizing that you're not in a great place to look for a relationship at the moment, and work on yourself for a while. I've been there, sometimes for years at a time. And, no offense, but it seems to me you might want to focus on just yourself for a while. Maybe start with exercise and developing one-person skills.

@"Gaith" Thanks very much, great post. Means a lot to me

Oh good, glad you liked it.

My friend pokes fun that whenever a girl gives the slightest interest to me (friendly or otherwise—mostly friendly) I always fall in love with her, or at least get infatuated with her.

That's definitely not love, and I don't even think it's infatuation, at least not with the woman - that's you being infatuated with the idea of being in a relationship with someone, anyone halfway desirable. Believe me, I've been there, too. I recently went on a great first date and got all kinds of excited, and when the woman and I finally went on a second date... fizzle. No sparks. (But, there'd definitely been sparks on the first date. Oh, well.) The point being, as you say, these women can tell that you're more interested in the fantasy of being with someone who today just happens to be them then you're into them as individuals.

If a romance is going to happen, it’s going to happen naturally. Plus seeming available to girls and acting like you want them isn’t very attractive. So let’s just let it flow. No need to force it.

This is definitely a healthier attitude than the above, but it's not quite right, either. I myself spent years - almost all of college, really - waiting for romance to "just happen" as it once did when I was 16, and, as a result, I graduated with pretty much zero dating confidence and several psychological hang-ups. As I understand it, women find being wanted very attractive - the key is to also be relaxed, and not desperate. As you say, don't seek to force anything, but do push beyond your comfort zone now and then. If you're too young to drink, maybe ask a girl you like if she'd like to meet up for a weekend lunch/walk/bowling sometime. If she says no, be gracious and say "another time, maybe." If she says yes, and you do meet up, be mostly casual throughout, and if you sense you both had a good time, suggest you might do something else another time. If you're in school together and see each other every weekday, let that vague idea hang in the air a few days. (Maybe even ask another girl to do a similar - ideally not the same - activity in the meantime. Nobody's officially dating yet, so you're doing nothing wrong.) Get used to and comfortable with the process of doing fun things in public with women one-on-one. Don't even frame these or think of them as dates, necessarily; think of them as friendship activities (that maybe you happen to pay for). If a woman asks if you're asking her on a date, say just that: you're just asking to hang out as friends and to get to know her better.

If, however, a woman asks during the activity if you're on a date, you can ask her if she'd like it to be one. If she says no, that's fine, per the above; if she says yes, and you like her, you can ask her out again sooner than you would have otherwise, and be more attentive to her at school. But, as you say, don't try to force things - view even official dates as practice, and get comfortable with the idea that even if you both have a good time, any given date might well be your last with the woman in question. If, however, you both have a good time, and you appear genuinely interested in her and not desperate, you may even find that she'll chase you.

(Now, if you have a genuine and particular fixation on a particular woman, as in, not just a passing fancy on the basis of a friendly conversation or two, you can always swing for the fences and overtly ask her out on a date from the get-go. And, as you get older, going on dates in general will become more natural and unremarkable. But if you're just practicing being social with various women your age, as is entirely natural, no need to put labels on that.)

Remember: even physicians don't say that they "do" or "conduct" medicine; they practice medicine. Life is practice. So... practice, then.

 

[Masirimso17]

Very helpful advice, @"Gaith", thanks again! And yes, you’re right, it mostly is the idea of being with a certain girl that’s attractive to me, and not the girl itself. Although, there is one girl I like now that feels like this time might be different, though only in terms of the attraction.

(Sorry guys I noticed after I wrote this I went too relationship problems instead of real emotional problems and I dunno if this counts)

She’s friendly, helpful, smart, quite knowledgeable about history, culture, and very passionate about literature, especially Turkish Literature. And she‘s quite ambitious and wants to learn more. She’s way different, and imho better than all the other girls in our school. I kinda see her as how I want to be like, which is I think where the attraction comes from. She helped me out with some things about class, and I asked her if she could tutor me and help me out with preparing for the university exam by the end of the school year. I think she‘d like that I’m trying to improve myself, compared to most of the other guys. 

She does like to gossip a lot with her friends. Sometimes I overhear their talks about other guys, and surprise surprise, no mention of me but they talk about their physique and stuff so I dunno ?‍ They did once say to I was the nice guy and guys should be more like me, but they always say that and nothing more ever happens.

Anyway I just really like her, but I don’t know how to get closer to her without falling to the dreaded friend-zone. But again, the effort of trying not to fall into the friend-zone is I think what’s forcing all this. Like I said before, girls can sense that you’re trying to get closer to her. Even asking her out to hang out as friends and getting to know her, it seems very forward, especially for someone like me who’s so socially awkward and doesn’t go out much often. I guess the study sessions could be my opportunity. But I’ll try not to force it.

Ehh, whatever, this should be the least of my troubles!

 

[Handman]

Maybe start developing one-person skills.

My autism won't allow that.  Can't really develop one-person skills when no one really wants to give you the chance.  I don't understand what I should be doing to "work on myself".  I hate myself too much to care right now.

 

[Dr. Chim Richalds]

Maybe start developing one-person skills.

My autism won't allow that.  Can't really develop one-person skills when no one really wants to give you the chance.  I don't understand what I should be doing to "work on myself".  I hate myself too much to care right now.

Not sure your age or where you live but there's a scientifically-validated social skills training program for young adults on the spectrum called PEERS.  The program is based out of UCLA, but apparently they train providers across the country, which you can search here:
https://www.semel.ucla.edu/node/3092
I have no personal experience with it, but have only read about it.  If you really feel that ASD is a stumbling block, that might be a good place to start.  Maybe there are some worthwhile social skills books for ASD as well?  

For the record, you're very kind to people on this thread and I like yourself!  And while they might not know you as deeply as you may wish them to (or even if you may have difficulty relating to them at times), I can imagine that your friends often enjoy your company.