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A few reviews

Vultural

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Sleeping Beauty - 2011 - 5/10

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Somnambulant, artsy excuse for soft core nudity.
College student, working three jobs, decides to work at exclusive dinner parties.
From there, she opts for drugged sleep, allowing wrinkled and bony old men to embrace.
Slow paced and pretentious, with no understanding of character motivations.
I am convinced this is based on Kawabata's novel, House Of Sleeping Beauties, but found no mention of that.
 

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A Lonely Place To Die - 2011 - 6/10

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Pursuit thriller set in the Scottish highlands.
Group of vacationing mountain climbers discovered a kidnapped child.
They free then tried to keep ahead of the kidnappers.
Nothing out of the ordinary here.
The "victim" was an annoying, shrill screamer, and the climbers kept yelling, "Where are you? Where are you?" every time they eluded their trackers.
Plot twists were fairly unexpected, and location shots were great.
 

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Mongolian Death Worm - 2010 - 2/10

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I found a bad movie in the aisles. Seconds later, I saw Mongolian Death Worm, easily one of the most ridiculous titles ever.
Terrible film, poorly acted, the worms were closer to giant grubs who dined on innocent humans and gangsters. As always, gun shooting bad boys can't hit creatures big as a truck. There was a subplot revolving around Genghis Khan's treasure straight outta Romancing The Stone.
Where I was, within fifteen minutes everyone hit the exits other than me. And the cat. The cat fell asleep.
I would have given it less points, except there were lots of grubworms and they ate lots of meals. In my book, any movie with carnivorous monsters ought to chomp dozens of humans like they were eating a sack of Long Pork Nuggets.
 

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Mr. Hulot's Holiday - 1953 - 8/10

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I try to watch this French classic every year once Summer begins to fade.
Mister Hulot goes to the coast for a week, and has a series of misadventures.
Gags, too numerous to mention, include the shark boat, the tennis match, the white horse with a grudge.
Almost completely wordless comedy, in the best tradition of Chaplin and Keaton.
Tati's best film.
 

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This is easily one of my favorite threads on the forums. But I think you should strongly consider changing the thread title to "A few rebues"! ;-)
 

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Lake Of Dracula - 1971 - 5/10

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The Carpathian count bought lakefront property?
No no. Muddled Japanese homage to Hammer films.
Apparently, several generations earlier, the count did a bit spawning with a Japanese female. (Forget the notion of vampires being sterile). Hundred years later, the bloodlust DNA emerged.
Slow going, predictable, cliched. I kept studying 70s clothes, hairstyles, and interiors. Clueless characters.
Truck arrived and unloaded the coffin into the house. Two sisters observed uncomfortably, then went shopping!
Another incident, an unconscious girl was rushed to Emergency. Almost drained of blood! Doctors and nurses noticed two punctures on her neck, then decided, “We will ask her about those when she wakes up.”



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Vultural

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Kiss Of The Damned - 2012 - 5/10

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Another vampire spin.
Scriptwriter sent to Connecticut to work on Hollywood project.
Meets hot babe in the video rental store. (Huh?)
He pursues, though she warns him repeatedly.
Safe sex ensues, meaning she is shackled to four poster with massive steel chains, and when she gets aroused her beast emerges. Does he flee? Of course not, he’s a writer. He unshackles her (Huh?). They bounce, she bites.
In time, the usual coven of fangsters appear, elegant and wealthy, for off Broadway plays and cocktails.
Arthouse twaddle directed by Xan Cassavetes (John’s daughter), which violates numerous vampire rules:
Vampire seen in mirrors. Drink of choice, synthetic blood. Living prey, forest animals. Latter example, possum.
Dark, moody film, with not enough time given to bloodthirsty, dysfunctional sister.
 

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The Lady Vanishes - 2013 - 5/10

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Glossy remake of the book, “The Wheel Spins,” on which Hitchcock based his 1938 classic.
Young flapper meets spinster on train through the Balkans.
When old woman disappears, and all passengers declare they never saw her, the girl starts to investigate.
This update supposedly far more faithful to the book. No Nazis, just scandal and intrigue.
Nice costumes, and claustrophobic train compartments (even a library car), and enigmatic strangers.
Unfortunately, the film is marred by an extremely unsympathetic female lead. Rude, entitled, selfish.
You just want someone, anyone, to eject her from the train. Hopefully when it is on a bridge. A high one.
Blame bad directing and a script too modern for this period piece.
Otherwise, passable wet afternoon film.
 

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Bad Lieutenant - Port Of New Orleans - 2009 - 6/10

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Where to begin ...
Nicholas Cage gives a crazed, over the top performance in this Werner Herzog film. A cop with no morals or check switch.
The group I watched this with hated it. I, however, I have mixed feelings.
With Val Kilmer, Brad Dourif, Eva Mendes, and Xzibit, this should have been better than a television knockoff.
Cage's character pops more drugs than Mötley Crüe, with few consequences.
For local color, Herzog did some point of view shots from the back of an alligator, later an iguana. These were plastic!
If you view this as a parody of police procedurals, you may like this better.
 

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After.Life - 2009 - 6/10

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Christina Ricci breaks up with her boyfriend (as he's trying to propose, no less!). Storms off in the driving rain. The road is treacherous but the cellphone beckons.
Next sequence, she's on the slab arguing with Liam Neeson.
"I'm not dead. I can't be."
"That's what you all say."
Neeson is a mortician with a gift. He can communicate with the dead in the three day window as they transition from this world to the next.
Dour, unsettling film. Especially when you begin to wonder if Ricci's character is not really dead.
Definitely not an action flick, and the characters are not sympathetic ones.
 

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The Last Legion - 2007 - 5/10

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I saw this on the shelf, and it looked lame, but I grabbed it anyway.
Colin Firth terribly miscast as a Roman commander assigned to protect the last Caesar.
Visigoths overrun Rome, so Firth and companions (Indian warrior maiden, huge guy in dreadlocks, et al) set off for Britain.
Ben Kingsley also participates in this "intimate epic." Film-makers phrase, meaning not enough budget for cast of thousands.
Firth can’t wield a sword for shit. How come all these different nationalities speak and understand English? Where do they dine on this long trek? Caesar’s Chicken?
Mindless nonsense.
 

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Vultural said:
Bad Lieutenant - Port Of New Orleans - 2009 - 6/10

Bad-Lieutenant-Port-of-Call-New-Orleans1.jpg


Where to begin ...
Nicholas Cage gives a crazed, over the top performance in this Werner Herzog film. A cop with no morals or check switch.
The group I watched this with hated it. I, however, I have mixed feelings.
With Val Kilmer, Brad Dourif, Eva Mendes, and Xzibit, this should have been better than a television knockoff.
Cage's character pops more drugs than Mötley Crüe, with few consequences.
For local color, Herzog did some point of view shots from the back of an alligator, later an iguana. These were plastic!
If you view this as a parody of police procedurals, you may like this better.

Have you ever seen Abel Ferrara's Bad Lieutenant with Harvey Keitel? It's...an experience to say the least.
 

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Vultural said:
Bad Lieutenant - Port Of New Orleans - 2009 - 6/10

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Where to begin ...
How 'bout with a 10/10? :p


And I've been tempted to watch After.Life for some time now...
 

ssj

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Gatos said:
This is easily one of my favorite threads on the forums. But I think you should strongly consider changing the thread title to "A few rebues"! ;-)

like bery much. [end of thread hijack.]
 

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Uncertainty - 2009 - 4/10

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A young couple (Lynn Collins & Joseph Gordon-Levitt) stand in the middle of the Brooklyn Bridge, trying to make a big decision.
The guy flips a coin ... they run off in opposite directions into parallel stories, with each other!
One is the dreaded meal with the girl's family in Brooklyn, the other is running from Russian mobsters in Manhattan.
Unappealing movie, because the characters behave stupidly, making fool decisions even tourists would not.
I'd say "avoid" this one, only it was hard to find and not worth my effort.

Makes me wonder how indie flicks make money. They never screen in theatres. Rental outlets are toast.
Do crackers at Wal-Mart really pick these titles out of Red Box?
How do these films turn a profit for investors?
 

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The Eclipse - 2009 - 7/10

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Irish ghost story for adults. Ciarin Hinds character cares for his two children, the mother has died.
He has begun glimpsing shadows down the staircase, hearing noises in the closet.
Meanwhile, he shepherds writers for an annual literary fair. One has written about ghosts.
Winner of many awards, this was a good film to view with lowered lights. Be advised this was not a blood soaked, screamfest. No dead teenagers, no dead wet girls.
Troubled souls encountering shadows. Somber, melancholy film.
 

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Cold Prey - 2006 - 5/10

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Norwegian dead teenager flick.
After some business with a chase early on, newspaper and TV reports indicate 100+ skiers have mysteriously disappeared.
Cut to a SUV with five teens out for snowboarding jollies.
The serious couple, the horny couple, the jokster. Then they find - whoa! - a deserted ski lodge.
Predictable slasher genre. I knew who would die first, and who would survive or die last.
I knew this would be generic, but I couldn't stop myself.
Bubble head.
 

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Wanted - 2008 - 5/10

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Stale actioner based on comic.
James McAvoy, with support from bit players like Terence Stamp, Morgan Freeman, and some chick named Angie Jolie, plays office drone sucked into shadowy group called The Fraternity. Group of assassins who have been operating for a thousand years, selecting kill targets based on the thread pattern from a weaving loom.
If elements sounds vaguely like The Matrix, brace yourself for an overload of “bullet time.”
Main character scuttles and whines throughout, many sequences were preposterous ( rats & wristwatches ), plot about as original as a stale taco.
Director Bekmambetov helmed Russian Night Watch, Day Watch, and recent Abe Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.
Track record of cheese over creativity, let alone excellence.
 

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Nemuri Kyôshirô: In The Spider’s Lair - 1968 - 7/10

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In this next to the last installment, Nemuri returns to his childhood village, ever seeking his origins.
Nemuri was the bastard offspring of a raped Japanese female and Satanic / Christian missionary.
Most of the village has been emptied by the nearby castle, home to two disgraced offspring of the Shogun.
As is so often in these films, nobility is corrupt, lecherous, and monstrously evil.
Numerous sword fights and beddings of willing and unwilling females lead to a terrific battle finale.
Film has a great Spaghetti Western score, and the shot composition is impeccable.
Sword fights in this series are always something to behold.
Ichikawa amazing to watch. This was shot months before he died from cancer.
 
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