Garp's Franchise Film reviews

[Garp]

'The Mummy's Tomb' [1942]

'The Mummy's Tomb' is 51 minutes long. Actually, it's 61 minutes, but the first 10 minutes are mostly clips of 'The Mummy's Hand', so does that count? This continuation of the story takes place 30 years later, which is slightly confusing. Was 'The Mummy's Hand' set in the past? Are we now in the future? I'm not sure. Anyway, Dick Foran is back, in old man make-up, as is his now older and more sombre sidekick Wallace Ford. George Zucco also reappears, not killed at the end of 'Hand' as expected, and even Kharis the Mummy was only partly singed, it seems. Shaky Zucco passes on the secrets of the Mummy to his younger underling and off they go to the USA to wreak their revenge.

Don't let the brevity of this film fool you - it will still feel like a chore to watch. Lon Chaney Jr takes on the role of the Mummy, in make-up and costume that seem less impressive than before, as he stalks and kills anyone who disturbed his slumber 30 years ago. Why did his vengeance take so long to manifest? Don't know. But, man, is he stealthy! You'd think a lumbering 3,000 year old mummy would be easy to spot in smalltown USA, but no. Locals mention seeing shadows but that's all. Sneaky things, mummies.

When it's finally deduced that, yes, there is a murderous mummy in town, suspicion immediately falls on the lone foreigner - an Egyptian who has recently taken over the cemetery. The mob are hot on his heels, bearing torches and no doubt pitchforks for good measure. When the mummy is contained at our hero's home, having captured the love interest, the mob gleefully burn the house down with all participants still inside. These are not the people I'd want on my local Neighborhood Watch Scheme, quite frankly.

'The Mummy's Tomb' is a step-down in the franchise, being a run-on-the-mill monster movie. Hopefully things liven up a bit in 'The Mummy's Ghost'.

 

[Garp]

BONUS: 'Evil of Dracula' [1974]

'Evil of Dracula' is the last of Toho's 'Bloodthirsty' trilogy, starring Shin Kashida again as a vampire. Is he Dracula, last seen in 'Lake of Dracula' rather effectively disintegrating? Let's just go with 'Sure, why not?', considering the number of times Hammer's Lee got resurrected.

Toshio Kurosawa plays a schoolteacher newly assigned to a girl's school. The principal's wife has recently died in a car crash and a young student is missing. When he discovers that the wife is being stored in the basement, he tries to figure out what's really going on, rather than get the next train out of there.

'Evil of Dracula' wastes no time getting to what the audience came for, baring a bloody vampire nipple within the first ten minutes. Kurosawa as the teacher-cum-detective is excellent, although a bit too chummy with his charges. He seems unfazed when one of the students asks him out on a date, and casually mentions being drunk another time. Ah, to be a teacher in the 70s.

There is a heavy Hammer influence felt throughout, and Kashida is a tad OTT as 'Dracula'. There's a nice touch with how the missing students are being (ab)used by the principal's wife and the customary vampire death is still good although lacks the surprise element now. Not quite as good as 'Lake of Dracula', I thought, but makes for a fun 'sequel'.

 

[Garp]

'The Mummy's Ghost' [1944]

'The Mummy's Ghost' should have been more accurately titled 'Bride of the Mummy' or, for consistency with the rest of the franchise, 'The Mummy's Bride'. There are no ghosts and I'm not sure what part of the film the title is even alluding to. Considering how the bulk of the film is about Kharis getting back with his ex, reincarnated in the body of Ramsay Ames (who even sports some Elsa Lancaster-style hair), the filmmakers really missed a trick there.

'The Mummy's Ghost' is the weakest of the franchise so far. George Zucco returns yet again, still not dead but as shaky as ever, and of course being trapped in a burning building is hardly going to stop our old friend Kharis from reappearing. Zucco hands over the reins of Kharis' secret to a young but still gaunt-looking John Carradine, who fares quite well in the role. Lon Chaney Jr is again wrapped up as the Mummy, though the make-up is much more slapdash here; he looks like he's been dunked headfirst into mud that's been left to dry. Frank Reicher, who had a small role in 'The Mummy's Tomb', reprises the part here, expanding the character and recapping the franchise in a much briefer fashion.

Robert Lowery and Ramsay Ames are our love interest couple. Lowery is full of himself, gushing over his Egyptian girlfriend living in America, reminding her during her down moods that Egypt is quite modern too in its own way. He is quick to make her his bride, despite her obvious antipathy, but who could blame him? Ames is blessed with exquisite beauty and cursed with almost no acting ability. She is required to faint frequently, but can't quite manage to do that effectively, alas. There is also a little dog that for the half the film I was convinced was called Penis (it's actually 'Peanuts').

The film trundles on as expected - the Mummy offing people, but being drawn to the tana leaves like they're catnip. The finale is terrible - good for setting up a sequel but completely unsatisfactory for the audience, as the players wander off, shrugging. I sort of did the same.

 

[Garp]

BONUS: 'Blood for Dracula' AKA 'Andy Warhol's Dracula' [1974]

What a curiosity this is. A beautifully designed film with great music and interesting story completely let down by atrocious acting.

Dracula is dying. He is persuaded to travel from Romania to Italy in search of the young virgins he needs to sustain him. Semi-farcical exploits ensue.

I'm not sure what to make of 'Blood for Dracula'. It is part comedy (I think; I wasn't sure whether the humor was intentional or not), part softcore porn, part gross-out horror. It looks gorgeous most of time and, unusually for me, I noticed the music throughout, very evocative of the time. It's erotic in places (be prepared for full-frontal nudity) and some of the characters (the father especially) are funny. It's not scary, although the frequent vomiting scenes turned my stomach somewhat. But, oh my god, the acting! It is terrible - wooden, stilted, amateur dramatics at its worst. There is barely one actor who manages to capture a convincing performance. Arno Juerging as Dracula's servant seems to be auditioning for an SS Officer in a WW2 drama; Udo Kier as Dracula is wan, whiny and annoying; Roman Polanski pops up, managing to look good against the rest of the cast. Only Vittorio de Sica as the father is worth watching, but his scenes are few and far between.

The film ends in a particularly Monty Pythonesque sequence, which seems fitting for this oddball of a film. With proper actors, this could have been a bizarre but worthy attempt at something different. As it is... I don't know. I honestly don't know.

 

[Garp]

'The Mummy's Curse' [1944]

This final Universal entry in the Mummy franchise, before Bud & Lou got their hands on it, returns us to the same swamp we saw in 'The Mummy's Ghost', albeit 25 years later. (For those tracking the franchise's timeline, that puts this film somewhere in the 1990s; check out the grunge fashion!)

The film starts with a sing-song, unusually, before a quick recap to get us up to date. There's no shaky George Zucco, alas, but it's clear almost straight away who he's passed the secrets to this time. Fifteen minutes in, and we get a longer recap, complete with flashbacks to earlier films. It's all a bit clunky, unfortunately.

Chaney's make-up hasn't improved although his kill count seems higher. He's still in pursuit of his lost love, Ananka, now played by Virginia Christie. Her resurrection scene is quite good, but as a highlight it's still pretty low. She has a dual personality, flitting between her past and present personas. She's diagnosed with amnesia and so is therefore obviously the perfect assistant to out hero, a bland Dennis Moore.

The rest is much of a muchness. The film does at least have a conclusion, and our hero pairs up with Kay Harding in the quickest romance on screen - they barely had a few scenes together, but I suppose we all acted like that in the 90s, eh.

 

[Garp]

BONUS: 'Dark Prince' [2000]

Subtitled 'The True Story of Dracula', this TV movie recounts the legend of Vlad the Impaler of Romania and his battles with the Turks. Now, I admit I knew nothing of Vlad previously, except his brutal reputation, and I had no idea he was linked to Dracula in any way. But still, this film gave me pause.

There is something a bit off about this film. It appears there has been some effort in terms of production values, but it still looks cheap. Perhaps it was the inclusion of Roger Daltrey as a King, but it felt like an extended episode of the 'Highlander' TV show. Nothing in terms of direction, editing or music was bad per se, but it wasn't thrilling either. Rudolf Martin as Vlad is moody & brooding, and Jane March as his wife does well as she begins to realise how vicious her husband is. Peter Weller has what amounts to an extended cameo and is very good, but Daltrey is terrible, looking dwarfish and amateurish beside Martin.

The story is mostly told in flashback, which adds to the stilted, unnatural feel. At the beginning of the film, I noticed what seemed to be a sizeable number of Romanian-sounding names amongst the credits, and at the finale on-screen text states that many people in Romania still view Vlad as a savior. That is when my ambivalence about this film became clearer.

For a film about a notoriously brutal tyrant, 'Dark Prince' is remarkably dull. Most of his atrocities are discussed rather than shown, and he is portrayed as being an ambitious patriot seeking to reclaim his throne form those wily Turks. How true this is, I do not know, but that certainly appears to be the filmmakers agenda. Sure, he stuck his enemies on sticks but, you know, at least he denounced Catholicism!

If, like me, you were expecting more than just tenuous links to Dracula (he recoils from sunlight at one point, due to being locked in a cell for so long; he 'dies' then comes back to life [but admits they made a mistake]; is supposed to have drunk the blood of his enemies, but claims it was hyperbole, etc) then you will be disappointed. If you want an unvarnished, warts-and-all telling of the Vlad legend, you'd be out of luck too. But if you're not keen on Turks and/or Catholics, this might be your cup of tea.

 

[Garp]

BONUS: 'Bonnie & Clyde vs. Dracula' [2008]

Dracula is one of those characters that can pop up anywhere, it seems. Having recently watched him cavort with Billy the Kid, I thought I'd see how well he fared against history's most notorious gangster couple. The result is... mixed.

'Bonnie & Clyde vs. Dracula' is a multi-genre film - part gangster, part horror, part surreal comedy (I think), and some of these parts work better than the others. It fares best as a heist-gone-wrong type thriller, which is just as well as that makes up the bulk of the film. Tiffany Shepis and Trent Haaga make a pretty good team as the (anti)heroes, although the older guy they team up with later (I forget his name now, apologies) is the better actor overall. The filmmakers try their best to evoke the feel of the 30s; it's OK, but with such a low budget, don't expect to be wowed.

The problems with this film lie with the comedy-horror aspect. The disfigured scientist wears a bag over his head the entire film, and his idiot sister is annoying. Really, really annoying. And not in a funny way. Just in a really, really annoying way. I have yet to turn off any Dracula-themed movie so far, but I came closest whenever she was onscreen. 

The horror is secondary, and Dracula doesn't really play a huge role here (although I admit I nodded off towards the end. No way I was going to rewind, though). There's a lot of blood spurts, of course, which looked quite effective, but too many of the cast looked like they were there because they were friends with the director. It's that kind of low budget film.

It had a satisfactory ending for me, and overall I'm loathe to dismiss this film. There was some effort shown here, and everyone looked like they were having fun. By removing the 'comedy' it could have been a lot better, but would still just be an average time-waster.

 

[Garp]

'Abbott & Costello meet the Mummy' [1955]

According to Wikipedia, Abbott & Costello made nearly 40 movies together from 1940 to 1956. '... meet the Mummy' from 1955 was one of their last films and definitely seems to be running on fumes.

For reasons untold, the duo are in Egypt, trying to return to the States. Overhearing that an Egyptian professor is looking to pay two people to accompany a recently found Mummy to the US, they apply. Through further complications, the pair find themselves caught up in a murder, a macguffin and a femme fatale.

Honestly, I can take or leave Abbott & Costello. When they are good, they are excellent, of course, but here they just seem tired. A lot of the routines have either been done before or are poor rehashes of classic routines (the 'take your pick' scene is a good example). The Mummy (named 'Klaris' here rather than 'Kharis') is off-screen for the entire second act, replaced instead with a plot about a sacred medallion. When two characters dress up as Mummies, you just know that the real mummy will be mistaken for one of them at some point and you are not disappointed. It's easy to see where the Scooby-doo cartoons got their gags now.

Lots of Middle Eastern/sub-continent tropes and stereotypes abound; when the boys turn Klaris' legend into a mummy-themed nightclub at the end, it is handled without irony and you just have to shrug. It was the 50s, after all. For die-hard Abbott & Costello fans and/or Mummy completists only.

 

[Garp]

BONUS: 'The Awakening' [1980]

This adaptation of Bram Stoker's 'The Jewel of Seven Stars' begins by thanking various Egyptian government agencies and museums for their help in the production of the film. It probably worked out well for both parties. The resulting film is greatly enhanced by the evocative shots of Egypt, its tombs and historical relics, and no doubt Egyptian tourism got a boost because of it.

This film looks great (at least, whilst in Egypt; London looks less inviting, the Royal National Theater not being our finest example of what the capital has to offer) and I suspect Spielberg had a peek or two at this film prior to 'Raiders'. The first 30 minutes are backstory 18 years in the past, which seems a bit long for exposition but didn't at the time. The cross-scenes of opening the unknown princess' tomb and the birth of our hero's daughter are excellent in particular.

Charlton Heston is our hero and he does quite well as the obsessed archaeologist. He's a bit of a bastard from the beginning, although his motivation behind his obsession is left unclear (at least to me). I've always had a thing for Stephanie Zimbalist and she is absolutely gorgeous here. She's fine in her dual role, better at being scared and confused rather than psychotic.

The film sags in the middle and then ramps up again a little too quickly by the end. In between we see Ian McDiarmid with an alarming amount of hair and some more deaths. The film sets up its ending explicitly so it's not so much who is going to die but when and how.

'The Awakening' is atmospheric and spooky and it's lazy mood resonated with me. Heavily pregnant women may wish to give this a wide berth, though.

 

[Garp]

'The Mummy' [1959]

Cushing & Lee star in Hammer's update of the Universal Mummy franchise. Cushing's father & uncle uncover the forgotten tomb of Ananka, unwittingly reviving her former lover and protector, Kharis. Stiff-legged shenanigans ensue.

This first in a series of Mummy films looks good in terms of indoor sets, with colorful tombs, sarcophagi and the like. Lee's make-up and costume are also effective; the Mummy is silent and Lee acts purely with his eyes. Altogether, though, this film disappointed me. It is slow and weirdly paced. There are at least two flashback sequences, and a major plot point isn't revealed until towards the end of the third act. I'm curious where the other three films in this franchise take the story as 'The Mummy' lays the groundwork, but it's a workmanlike start, I'm afraid.

 

[Garp]

'The Curse of the Mummy's Tomb' [1964]

Hammer's next effort in Egyptology ditches Lee & Cushing and opts for a sometimes lopsided thriller-mystery-horror film. There's the usual newly unearthed tomb, a resurrected mummy with a powerfully strangulated grip and some neat twists along the way.

The film starts slowly enough and for almost an hour or so seems more like a character study of early 1900s gentlefolk. Ronald Howard does a good job playing a jilted lover, albeit properly stiff-upper-lipped about the whole affair. Jack Gwillim sinks into alcoholism with great pathos, and Terence Morgan is splendidly charming and slimy. But it is Fred Clark who steals every scene as a P.T. Barnum-esque showman - brash, flashy but with a heart of gold.

The Mummy costume looks unusually uncomfortable, as if layers of paper mache had been slapped on Dickie Owen's face. Still, he is shot well, especially one particular scene where he is shown menacingly at the top of an alley's stairwell. The props look amazing as do the indoor sets; as usual, the sound stages doubling for archaeological sites don't quite come up to par.

The Mummy is dispatched in a way worthy of a Universal Frankenstein movie - in fact, I'm not altogether certain what happened to him or why. No matter, I'm sure all will be revealed in 'The Mummy's Shroud', if indeed there's any continuity.

 

[Garp]

BONUS: 'Dawn of the Mummy' [1981]

You could argue that Mummies in movies are, in essence, zombies. They are dead yet come to life, seemingly with the sole intent to kill living people. 'Dawn of the Mummy' takes that premise and runs with it.

The film sets up the story prior to the opening titles. Ancient pharaoh is buried with his slaves, all of whom will be resurrected if his tomb is disturbed. So far, so Universal. Flash-forward to 'Present Day' and manic Rick, unlikely archeologist, is about to enter said tomb. Add a dash of New York models and a bucket of gore and you've got yourself an interesting mix.

OK, so no one comes to these films looking for great acting or logical storylines. Which is just as well as you'll find neither here. Barry Sattels as Rick is by far the worst offender. He is so over the top that it's exhausting just watching him go. The plot requires Rick, on the verge of discovering a great stash of gold, to reluctantly allow a New York photographer to use the recently excavated tomb as a location for his fashion shoot. But let us get past that for moment, and deal with the general horror trope of stupid people doing stupid things. Despite being bombarded with severed heads, entrails left on the supply table, burning acid, eviscerated horses and disfigured corpses, our troop nonchalantly decide to stay put for several days, gaily swimming in the oasis, making out in tents and smoking hashish with the locals.

Meanwhile, our pharaoh friend has been resurrected in the most illogical way possible. He looks quite good, though, being bandaged from the neck down, revealing his slimy, rotting face. His loyal slaves also get quite an entrance, rising from the sand at dawn. (The film, I should add, was shot on location in Egypt and uses that part of the budget well. Even the indoor sets are passable, although the treasures are clearly cheap props spray-painted gold.)

'Dawn of the Mummy' doesn't really get going until it's nearly over, with flesh-eating mayhem left, right and centre. But for many it will be worth the wait. If this is your kind of thing, and if you can get past the first hour of build-up (and bad acting), you may find yourself richly rewarded.

 

[Garp]

BONUS: 'Prisoners of the Sun' [2013]

Wikipedia touts this film as a remake of 'Dawn of the Mummy'. I'm not buying it. Still, it's not entirely without its own Egyptian charm.

The film begins almost like the early stages of a heist movie, where the gang are coming together. Shane Richie, of all people, pops up in a cameo channeling Jack Sparrow to present the Macguffin. The film actually boasts quite an OK cast - John Rhys-Davies, Josh Ackland, Michael Higgs, Nick Moran... all slumming it in one way or another, but they lend a certain gravitas nonetheless.

Uncovering a previously unknown pyramid (um, OK...) our gang of suspicious ne'er-do-wells stumble around inside, seeking treasure and/or bringing about a new world order involving aliens..? Yeah, I dunno. It's really not important. What you need to know is that the writers have watched every Indiana Jones film and really enjoyed all the puzzle sequences. As a rip-off, it's fine - the effects are SyFy Channel level but aren't distracting. If you came for more zombie mummies, a la 'Dawn of the Mummy', you'll be disappointed, though. Yes, there is of course a mummy on the loose, and not every member of our intrepid gang will get out alive. But the violence is dialed down considerably here - 'Prisoners of the Sun' emphasizes action/adventure over horror.

And then the film ends. Did I nod off? I don't think so, although I admit I wasn't playing close attention. If there is a climax to this film, it is Very Subtle Indeed. Not a complete waste of time, up to that point, but it certainly left a bitter taste in the mouth.

Oh, and in case it influences your decision to check this out either way, Uwe Boll is listed as a producer...

 

[Garp]

'The Mummy's Shroud' [1967]

'The Mummy's Shroud' starts with a pre-titles narrated prologue, dramatizing the short life of a boy Pharaoh and his loyal servant. Cut to 1920s Egypt (in what looks to be an English quarry) and a near-dead archeological team finally stumble upon the tomb. They are saved by a search party but, of course, their troubles are just beginning.

'The Mummy's Shroud', not unlike it's predecessor 'The Curse of the Mummy's Tomb', takes it sweet time in getting to the 'horror'. The first half of the film is saved, though, mostly due to some excellent acting. John Phillips is pure British bluster with a selfish streak; his wife (Elizabeth Sellars) is also well-portrayed as wanting nothing to do with his obnoxious schemes. Hammer regular Michael Ripper is wonderfully contrite and pathetic, but Maggie Kimberly (looking much like Margot Robbie here) is wooden.

Once we depart the quarry, the sets are good - the Egyptian alleyways look convincing enough and Hammer knows how to dress an indoor set. The mummy looks a bit naff in comparison, but makes up for it with more elaborate kills than the usual strangulation.

If you can get past the pacing and lack of scares, this is an adequate little film. I admit it doesn't add much to the mummy franchise, but the acting alone makes for an entertaining hour and a half.

 

[Garp]

BONUS: 'Time Walker' [1982]

Disclaimer: Back in the day, I was a huge 'Gemini Man' fan - the TV series from the mid-70s, that is - so anything featuring Ben Murphy is automatically going to be OK in my book. Here we find Ben stumbling upon a lost sarcophagus in Tutankhamun's tomb. So far, so... wait, what?! Never mind. He's there, he finds it and Egypt is super-cool with him taking it back to his Californian University. Once opened, the mummy is revealed to be liberally dusted with an unnecessarily vivid green fungus. Meanwhile, a student steals a handful of crystals from a secret panel, and another accidentally uses too much radiation x-raying the mummy, and, well, nothing turns out for the best, let's just say.

'Time Walker' is a slasher film without the slashing. Instead, the mute mummy uses his extraordinary strength and toxic fungus to off his hapless victims. Despite its ludicrous premise, the film sets up the basics well but meanders and drags in the second act. Far too much time is spent with obnoxious characters partying and we are left waiting too long for the next kill.

The mummy itself isn't very threatening and glides everywhere rather than walks; 'Time Glider' would have been a much more appropriate title. The special effects are a mixed bag - someone's oozing hand is quite good, but nothing looks quite as special after that. Acting-wise, well, it's a low budget teen horror film - it's fine.

Is 'Time Walker' any good? God, no, but it's still entertaining. The ending begs more questions, and perhaps a sequel or even a TV series was envisioned - there's that tantalizing "To be continued..." on screen after all. You know what, had you put Ben Murphy in it, I would have watched it.

 

[Garp]

'Blood from the Mummy's Tomb' [1971]

Hammer's final nail in the mummy sarcophagus, to mix my metaphors, is somewhat of a mix itself. Can it be classed as a Mummy picture if it doesn't feature anyone wrapped in bandages (well, until the final shot, I suppose)? I'll let others debate that.

This is a retelling of Bram Stoker's 'The Jewel of Seven Stars' and I'm glad I'd seen other adaptations previously as I'm not sure I would have followed along quite so well otherwise. In a mid-film flashback, we learn that a team of archaeologists discovered a forgotten tomb with a perfectly preserved woman inside. Strangeness abounds as they go their separate ways, climaxing with a ritual to resurrect the long-dormant princess...

Valerie Leon takes the lead role and looks amazing. She has quite the screen presence and must have troubled many a teen's dreams in the 70s, devouring a banana as she does here. James Villiers plays an effective villain - all upper class pretensions and snobbery.

Say what you like about Hammer, but they know how to stage a set. The tombs look good though the artifacts don't quite have the haunting feel I think they were aiming for. It looked a bit ridiculous when people started freaking out over plastic cats and snakes.

The production was spotty, with Peter Cushing only lasting one day before bowing out to care for his dying wife. Director Seth Holt died towards the end of the film, which accounts for the strange edits regarding one character's very abrupt death; no one quite knew what he had in mind for that scene, apparently. Still, within the mess there's an adequate film, albeit talky and scare-free unless you wince at the sight of not-great bloody make-up.

 

[Garp]

BONUS: 'The Tomb' [1986]

'The Tomb' is a big, dumb mess. It starts off as action, with a bang-bang-shooty-shooty scene that has no bearing on the rest of the film whatsoever, takes a detour into exotic adventure with the discovery of a missing tomb in Egypt, then plays out as a contemporary monster-on-the-loose horror film in downtown LA. If that sounds intriguing, then I've hyped it too much.

Wikipedia believes 'The Tomb' is loosely based again on Stoker's 'The Jewel of Seven Stars', but I doubt if that much thought went into the script. A vampiric princess is resurrected, in the shapely but talentless form of Michelle Bauer, and she's out for her precious artifacts and blood. There's an OK scene in which she transplants a scarab into the dodgy archeologist's chest in order that he forever does her bidding, but nothing much is made of that. In fact, our anti-hero is offscreen for much of the middle act. Instead we have a wooden hero and his annoyingly klutzy love interest to contend with. Yes, yes, people die here and there, but never enough of them to save this dross.

Cameron Mitchell is the only reason to see this film (and that is not a recommendation; I honestly believe you should give this one a wide berth) as a businessman/historian. He plays the character with more nuance and gravitas than the film deserves, to the extent that you almost feel embarrassed for him as he emotes against his one-note on-screen colleagues. John Carradine also pops up in a cameo to dump the exposition, but he does not look good; in fact, it seemed as though he may have been reading his lines from off-screen.

The dialogue is awful, there is casual racism, the soundtrack is the worst kind of 80s synth-pop (many scenes look like a low budget video for an obscure one-hit-wonder band) and the effects are terrible. For the life of me, I cannot remember how it ends, even though I only watched it last night. Hopefully I can forget the rest of it soon too.

 

[Garp]

'Scorpion King 2: Rise of a Warrior' [2008]

I've decided to start my Scorpion King/Mummy franchise viewing with a prequel, chronicling the early years of Mathayus, son of a famed mercenary who grows up to be, well, Dwayne Johnson.

For starters, this film wasn't as bad as I was expecting, which of course is faint praise and not something director Russell Mulcahy would want plastered over the cover of the blu-ray. The story is simple enough, though the scriptwriters try their hardest to complicate it unnecessarily. Mathayus seeks to avenge the death of his father at the hands of evil king Sargon and embarks on a quest to seize the Sword of Damocles in order to do so.

The first thing Mulcahy got right was casting Michael Copon as young Mathayus. Copon may not be a great actor here, but he looks the part; he's got the Rock's smolder and quizzical glances down pat. He's ably assisted by Karen David as his feisty sparring partner-cum-love interest, and Simon Quarterman as the comic sidekick. Randy Couture, though, as Sargon is terrible, all gruff monotone and biceps.

The sets looks OK, albeit neither expansive nor expensive, and the effects range from not good to passable (it's a toss-up to decide which is worse - the barely-lit Minotaur or the invisible scorpion..?) The film is altogether too long, though. The middle section in the Underworld drags and the dueling climaxes - one set in a arena that takes ages to burn, the other between Mathayus and the aforementioned can-yer-see-me-yet scorpion - seem to go on forever.

Still, I can't help but have a soft spot for Russell Mulcahy, after watching 'Highlander 2' three times in one week and documenting that particular adventure. 'Scorpion King 2' doesn't do anything new or particularly exciting, it's true. But, hell, I've spent worse evenings in front of a screen.

 

[Garp]

BONUS: 'Legend of the Mummy' [1998]

The full title is 'Bram Stoker's Legend of the Mummy' and, yes, it's another version of his 'Jewel of Seven Stars', although it might as well have been titled 'There's a Mummy in my basement!'

The story is more or less the same. Old archaeologist is attacked by a mysterious force; his daughter is having weird flashbacks; Louis Gossett Jr is in an asylum...

OK, well maybe that last bit is new. Louis adds a spark to the proceedings, but not always in a good way. He chews the scenery, perhaps well aware that the whole film needs something - anything! - to give it life. In short, this is a very dull film indeed. Beyond Gossett Jr, there are a few faces that you think you may have seen somewhere before, but they are all so god-awful that you can't be bothered to check. Richard Karn, Tim Allen's sidekick from 'Home Improvement' - yes, that guy - turns up as semi-comic relief, of all people, but the (then) state-of-the-art technology he uses is more interesting to watch than his performance.

As I mentioned, there is a mummy in the basement, which is scary, I guess. No, wait. It isn't. Things happen that are supposed to chill you, but maybe it's the direction or the editing, but nothing works. It's the kind of film that requires a lot of exposition, with lots of people telling other people Important Stuff or, worse, people alone talking to themselves. It's bad, so very very bad.

Of all the versions of 'The Jewel of Seven Stars' I've seen over the past few weeks, this is by far the worst and the only one I seriously contemplated turning off before the end. And I can stand a lot of old crap, believe me.

 

[Garp]

'The Scorpion King' [2002]

Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson takes his first lead role as the Scorpion King in this prequel to 'The Mummy'. The formulaic plot sees Johnson play a mercenary out to kill an Evil King, who killed his brother, aided by a feisty female sidekick and a comic relief.

Again, let us take a moment to digest the fact that this was Johnson' first lead role. Whether you happen to like him or not (and I do) you can't help but be struck by the fact that he is not a natural actor. He is rough around the edges here, and he is wisely given little dialogue to mangle. Instead, he plays Mathayus as an early James Bond with some Indiana Jones thrown in. (There is a bit of 'Live & Let Die' plotting involved, as well as a 'Temple of Doom' touch for good measure.) He is a generic perfect action hero and I suppose there's nothing wrong with that.

To ensure the formula is complete, a few other well-worn tropes are tossed into a mix. Is there a fight between two enemies who become best buds by the end? Check. What about a loveable scamp of a kid who idolizes our hero, sneaks along and gets to knock out a bad guy at just the right moment? Yes, he's there too. And if you are allergic to cheesy dialogue, then keep your epi-pen handy as you may suffer a reaction.

There is a scene that 'explains' how Mathayus became the 'Scorpion' King, but it's largely irrelevant and nothing much is made of the fact, at least in this fraction of the franchise. The CGI is OK and overall the film looked pretty good, I thought.

All this may sound like I didn't enjoy the film, but that's not true. It is a fine popcorn flick, more akin to junk food than anything. It felt satisfying enough at the time, but ultimately it's not very memorable.