Long Jokes Page 1
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.
As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.
"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."
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The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table." the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, "Yes," replied the girl, "much better."
Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the cunt."
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There was this man who had a serious stuttering problem. One day he went to the doctor to see about his problem "D-D-D-Doctor w-w-what the fuck is the d-d-deal with my s-s-stuttering, I cant get any C-C-Chics bec-c-c-ause they all m-m-make f-f-fun of me?"
The doctor gave him a thourough inspection and "well your stuttering is do to the imense size of your penis, what we are going to have to do is cut several inches off of it" So the man with the terrible stuttering problem goes through the operation, several weeks later he returns to the doctors office. "Doctor, i want my fuckin penis back, I cant stand this small penis I have"
The Doctor looks up at the man and says "F-F-F-Fuck You"
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A guy walks into a bar and sits down to have a drink. There is a good looking wench sitting nearby. She looks at him a
gives him a wink. He scoots over and offers her a drink, which she gratefully accepts. After a few mild pleasantries of conversation, the young lady mentions she is going through a divorce.
"You too?" says the man. Why are you getting a divorce?"
"My husband thinks I am too perverted." was her reply.
"What a coincidence -- MY wife thinks I am too perverted!" he says to her. "She says I am too kinky when it comes
to sex..."
"Wow, my husband thinks the same of me, why don't we explore this kinkyness together?"
He agrees, they finish their drinks and leave the bar. Knowing neither can go to one another's house because of their pending divorces, they drive to a remote location where they can be alone. The woman becoming quite aroused, jumps into the back seat, and takes off her clothes in anticipation of what is to come...
"Please hurry, I want to get kinky with you!" she moans from the back seat. She hears him fumble with his belt, then hears his zip come down, then finally his pants coming down. Hardly able to control herself, she is somewhat surprised when she hears him pull his pants back up, then his zip, then his belt getting fastened.
"Hey, I thought we were going to explore our kinkyness here!" she complained.
"We did!", he says, "I just took a shit in your purse!"
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he Three Bears are coming back from their nightly walk, and they see their house from about 30 feet away and they
could tell that someone had just broken in. The whole family runs in, and they all try and find out if anything that has
been taken. The poppa bear asks the mother, " Did you find anything missing?" " No." she said Then he asked the youngest bear, "Did you find anything missing?" " No." He said " But my tennis racket fucking stinks !"
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A little girl and her grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little girl sees an earthworm trying to get back into
its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five bucks you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little girl runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. she sprays the worm until it is straight
and stiff as a board. Then she stuffs the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the her five dollars, grabs the hairspray excitedely, looks at the girl with an evil grin and says
"Heres five more dollars, and dont tell anyone about this"
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Two psychiatrists (spelling..I don't give a fuck) are going by train to a conference in Pittsburgh. One decides to go pick
up the tickets while the other decides to put the bags in. The first man approaches the ticket desk to find that the woman
working behind it has emormous breasts. A bit flustered..and aroused...he approaches the desk and says...
"I'll have two pickets to Tittsburgh please."
"I beg your pardon?" the woman replies
The man goes bright red..
"I'm sorry, I'll have two tickets to Pittsburgh.."
Embarassed, he goes back to his friend.
"Oooo, I just made the worst Freudian slip. the woman at the desk had big breasts and instead of saying 'I'll have two
tickets to Pittsburgh' I said 'I'll have two pickets to Tittsburgh"
"That's nothing," his friend replies "Last night at dinner I meant to ask my wife to pass the salt, but instead I said
"Fuck you, you godamn whore you've ruined my fuckin life'"
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There are these three cowboys comparing how tough they are, sitting around a campfire. first one says,"I' m so tough
once I got in a barfight with ten guys, went outside and wrestled a bear, now its my rug". Second guy says, "Thats
nothing, I got in a fight with 15 guys walked out, bit the head off a venemous snake, swallowed its poison, I'm still alive."
Third guy said nothing, stirring the coals with his dick.
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hree guys are in the final stages of interviewing for a position with the CIA. One is a white guy, another is a black guy and the last one is a mexican
The white is pulled in and told that he is in the final round for the job and there remains only one task he must complete before they make a decision. He must take this gun, walk into that room, and shoot his mom. He responds with, "No thank you, I love her too much!"
The black guyis then pulled in and told that he is in the final round for the job and there remains only one task he must complete before they make a decision. He must take this gun, walk into that room, and shoot his mom. He takes the gun, makes for the door, turns around and says, "No thanks, this job isn't that important!"
Then the mexican is pulled in and told that he is in the final round for the job and there remains only one task he must complete before they make a decision. He must take this gun, walk into that room, and shoot his own mother. He takes the gun, enters the room, "BANG, BANG" followed by bumps and screams for five minutes. When he returned and was asked what happened, he said, "You bastards, they were blanks...I had to choke the bitch!"
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A woman with no arms or legs is lying at the beach. A man walks by and she says, "Excuse me. I've never been kissed before. Would you kiss me?" The man says "Sure" and he gives her a peck on the cheeks. Another man walks by and she says, "Excuse me. I've never had my breasts fondled before. Would you fondle them?" So the second man says "Sure" and feels her up for a couple seconds. At this point she's really getting into it, so a third guy walks by and she says, "Excuse me. I've never been fucked before. Would you fuck me?" The guy says "Sure" so picks her up, throws her into the ocean, and says "now you're fucked!"
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Two guys were walking along a deserted beach and bored to tears. The first guy says: "Hey, I have an idea. Let's split
up. You walk as far as you can that way down the beach, and I'll walk as far as I can the other way down the beach. We'll meet here tomorrow and tell each other what we did. The other gentleman agreed and each man began walking in opposite directions down the beach.
The next day, they meet and the first guy says: "So...Tell me about your day!"
The second guy smiled and said: "Oh, I had a great one! I found a small little oasis with a pond and some cool grass and
spent the day swimming and eating coconuts from a tree! What happened to you?
His friend laughed and said: "You're never going to believe it!! I walked about five miles up the coast and came to these
train tracks. I walked down the tracks about a mile and found this girl with the most incredible body I've ever seen tied
to the rails! I untied her and carried her to some grass nearby and we spent all day and night having the most incredible
sex I've ever had! This girl was amazing! We did everything together!"
The other guy looked at his friend in amazement and asked him..."Everything?"
"Everything!" he replied.
"Did she suck your dick?"
"Well...no...She didn't do that..." the man said with a sigh..."I never did find her head!"
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There was this 92-year-old woman whose body was covered from head to toe with big festering pus-filled boils. They
were on her face, her arms and her legs...everywhere. Each was filled with mucus and blood.
This old lady was also a masochist, so she put an ad in the paper offering to pay anyone five thousand dollars if they would bite off each and every one of her boils.
She didn't get any immediate response, but sure enough after a while this guy was desperate for money and agreed to do
the job.
He showed up at the woman's house and she came out in a robe. She peeled it off and revealed her boil covered body.
The guy groaned at the tought of the task ahead of him, but he just kept concentrating on the five grand and went to
work, biting on a boil on the woman's arm until it popped blood and puss all over his face.
He kept going for over five hours, biting off the boils between the elderly woman's toes and in her armpits. He bit off
boils on her inner thighs and inside of her ears. Finally he was finished and he fell back with a pant, covered with blood,
pus, mucous and dripping with sweat. The woman lay on the bed a mass of crimson patches of bruises and ripped flesh.
"Okay lady..." the man said with a gasp, "I did it...now give me the five grand..."
"Just a second, sonny..." the woman said with a grin, "there's one more left!"
She bent over and spread her wrinkled withered butt cheeks to reveal a gigantic boil about the size of a baby's head
growing right out of her ass. The man rolled his eyes and gagged and said to himself..."What the hell, I've gone this
far...only one left...I need the money...what the hell..." and then dove face first at the butt boil, gnawing and biting at it
repeatedly trying to make it pop.
Then, out of the blue, the old woman let out a giant fart.
The man reeled back from between her butt crack and yelled at her: "WHAT ARE YA TRYING TO DO LADY...MAKE ME SICK?!?"
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The Three Legged Pig Joke, (one of my personal favorites)
man goes to visit an old friend who lives in the country. Upon arriving he sees a pig walking around with only two legs.
This motherfucker is just walking around dragging the last half of its body everywhere it goes. This peaks his curiosity so after catching up on old times he asks his friend about the pig. "I noticed a pig earlier that only had two legs, what happened to the poor animal?" he asks. "Let me tell you a story",starts his friend "last fall when I was plowing the south field I accidently got the plow caught up in some brush, couldn't break it loose so I crawled under it to cut away the vines. Just then the damn thing fell on me, pinned me to the ground. I'd still be there if it weren't fer that pig, he come running out there and started digging and rootin' till he could pull me outa there, saved my life I tellya."
"Well that is an amazing story but I must've missed something because I still don't understand how he lost his legs. Godamn that pig looks like its in some real fuckin pain" the man replied. His farmer friend went on "Why just this past spring I went out to feed the chickens one night and slipped in some chicken shit and fell right on my ass. My lantern went flying and set the whole damn place on fire. I was chokin' and lost in the smoke and just knew I was gonna die when I heard that pig squealin and rammin till he knocked the door down and dragged me out, saved my life I tellya." His friend thought for a moment and said, 'Well that's an interesting story but it still doesn't explain what happened to his legs. His friend looked at him like he was stupid and said, "Mister, when you got a pig as great as that one, you don't want to eat him all at once"
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Leper at the bar
A man walks into a pub and sits down at a table. He notices a leper at the bar. He orders a shot, drinks the shot and then
throws up. Next he orders a beer, drinks the beer and then throws up. He does this for several more drinks when finally
the leper comes over to his table and asks him, "I'm sorry if my appearance is making you ill." And the man replies,
"No, it's not you. It's the man next to you dipping his chips into your neck."
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Old fishing buddies
Mike and Bill are old fishing buddies who haven't seen each other in years. They used to grow up together in the old neighborhood and go fishing every chance they could.
Deciding it was finally time to catch up with each other, the two friends embarked on a fishing trip and began talking
about what was going on in their lives.
"Hey Bill," Mike says, "Remember Ellen Banks?"
Bill smiles, "You mean Easy Ellen? You mean Every Imput Ellen?!? Yeah. I remember her all right! Didn't she have sex
with the entire football team?"
"Yep. That's her." Mike replies.
"Well, what about her?"
Mike smiles as he unpacks his fishing gear... "I married her." he says proudly.
Feeling embarrassed, Bill tries to make up for insulting his friends wife.
"Boy...I guess you must have a pretty great sex life with that Ellen!" Bill says uneasily.
Mike sighs and says: "Well, not really. Her pussy is covered with sores and lesions and it's really dirty. I actually can't
have sex with her at all."
"Well, Ellen had some great tits! I bet at least those keep you happy!"
Mike shakes his head no. "Her breasts are covered with cancer and they really can't be touched."
"But Ellen was known for giving great blow jobs! Those must get you thru the night."
Mike shrugs his shoulders. "Nope. She can't do that either anymore. Her mouth is riddled with herpes and mucus. I'm
not even supposed to kiss her."
Bill looks over at his friend perplexed..."So if you can't fuck her, suck her tits, get a blow job or even kiss her...why did
you marry her?!?"
Casting his fishing line out into the water, Mike grins at his friend and says "She shits the best worms!"
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ok that'll do for tonight