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We all need a laugh

Simba7

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Here's a nice video, it's not very funny if, like me, you own an inkjet printer. :(
[video=metacafe;1181828/the_dirty_little_secret_of_inkjet_printers/]
 

Ghostcut

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Thanks for that, now my mother is really, really pissed off.
 

nOmArch

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baddaydo6.png
 

Heinrich

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this was the official german poster hanging out at the theatres back in 1982:

 

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He looks like his right arm has been chopped off.
 

Aztek463

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Found this when I was going through some word documents...

While driving home from work, I leaned over to pass gas, and soiled myself. I am not talking about a small amount either. Diarrhea style was on the menu, and I had a double order filling my jockeys. I realized that I couldn't make the 40 minute drive home like this, and pulled into a local gas station to repair the damage. As I got out of the car, I pulled my pants tight at the knees, and walked in the store hunched over, still grabbing my knees. If I hadn't, I would have left a trail from my car to the bathroom.

As I got to the restroom, I was happy to see it was a single room, not stalls as I had feared. I kicked off my shoes and let go of my pants. Immediately it began running down my calves. Hurriedly I disrobed completely. I didn't have anything on my shirt, and I wanted it to stay that way. I realized then that I had soiled myself a LOT more than I had realized, and the underpants were a complete loss. Unperturbed, I dropped them in the trash.

About this time, someone knocked, and started to turn the handle. In my horror, I realized that I hadn't locked the door in my hurry. I lept for the door as it started to open, slipped, and fell flat on my back in my own excrement. The door swung open, and a man in his 20's stared in wonder at me. Imagine the scene, diarrhea everywhere, me completely nude, and apparently writhing around in it. He looked appalled, flummoxed, disgusted, with a bit of wonder in his eyes. Have you ever seen something you believe can't be real, but obviously is? He said nothing, just closed the door. I seriously thought that he would open the door again, just to confirm what he'd seen, as if it had been the worst illusion he'd ever had, but he did not.

I immediately locked the door. Now I have a problem with my entire back being covered in my excretory fluids, and I even have it in my hair. I hadn't eaten dinner yet, but the dry heaves were frequent as I washed up in the sink. My problem was that I had it on my back, and I couldn't reach it. My salvation came in the form of a toilet brush by the bowl. In normal times the thought of such a brush touching my skin would have me revolted, but these were obviously not normal times.

I continue to clean up, using papertowels to line my pants and shirt. By this time, I have been in there for 20 minutes. People have knocked on the door, to hear me tell them I am sick, and will be out shortly. The bathroom is a disaster, the floor is covered in the chocolate thunder from down under, as is the sink, the mirror, and the inside of the door. I steeled myself for the walk to the car.

When I open the door, an old man was waiting to get in. I closed the door behind me and briskly walked out of the gas station, and jumped in my car. This is when the horrible truth hit me. I had emptied my pockets when I was cleaning up, and I had left my car keys behind.

When I re-entered the store, the old man was at the counter complaining to the clerk. He pointed at me when I walked in, my head down. I went to the bathroom to get my keys, when I heard the old man say "Looking for these?" I turned to see him twirling my keys on his fingers with a look of disgust on his face. I hurriedly snatched the keys away, and literally ran to my car.

I was called recently by a collection agency trying to get me for the damages done to the restroom. Nothing major, just $150 and some change. The lady from the agency greeted me in a cheerful but firm voice with "Hello! This is Tonya! Are you having a good day today?"

Seeing as how I had just woken up and wasn't in the best of moods, and I knew that this was for the gas station, I replied in earnest.

"Lady, every day that I wake up and don't put a bullet into my brain is considered a good day. But it's times like these when I wonder, 'Good for who'?"

She replied with "I'll call back some other time." and promptly hung up.


..and someone's response...

I stopped off at a gas station to relieve myself, but when I opened the door, the most bizarre sight I have ever witnessed greeted me.

There was a man spread-eagled on the floor, naked. Bad enough, you might say, but he was also rolling around in what appeared to be (and smelled like) feces. And he seemed to be having a good old time, because feces was on the mirror, the sink, the floor, the walls. WTH is that about? We made eye contact for a moment and then I quickly closed the door. I considered taking another peak, just to make sure my eyes were not deceiving me, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

I shall never return to the establishment, I can tell you.


Here's the original thread where this story was posted.
 

nOmArch

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MONDAY TO FRIDAY

A guy dies and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as

he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance

counselor. He thinks to himself "I know I lead a wild life but I wasn't

that bad. I never thought it would come to this." Looking up he sees

that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and a heavy

heart, he walks up to the counselor.



Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed.



Guy: Well, what do you think? I'm in Hell.



Counselor: Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you

like to drink?



Guy: Sure, I love to drink.



Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we

drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever

you want and as much as you want. We party all night long. You'll

love Mondays.



Counselor: Do you smoke?



Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.



Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You

get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere.

And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer

because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to

love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs?



Guy: Well in my younger days I experimented a little.



Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can

experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry about

overdosed or getting hooked because you are already dead. You are going

to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?



Guy: Yes, I love to gamble.



Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day

and night - black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything!

And you don't have to worry about losing money because you're already

dead and don't pay any more debts. You are going to love

Thursdays!.....Are you gay?



Guy: Well, no I'm not.



Counselor: Oh (grimaces), you're gonna HATE Fridays......
 

nOmArch

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The Toilet #1

So I'm sitting on the shithouse right, after having a sheerly magnificent crap and I'm feeling how you feel after a body motion - you know, kind of serene and unstressed - pacified you might say. (It's not just crapping that does this of course, but run with me on this one - I'M FEELING GOOD.)

James Brown good.

I've just done the Grogan equivalent of birthing Spain, and it felt like bashing a handful of hot gravel through a funnel - Painful; but now, coming down from the high (so to speak) I'm ready to try to stand. The knees almost collapse, but manage to hold me as I reach for the paper...

...that isn't there...

I HATE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS!

It ALWAYS runs out on me - never on anyone else, always bloody me. I bet my flatmates just roll it into the bowl while they're having a piss, just to trap me or something. IT PISSES ME OFF!

But I REALLY hate it when I've had double-dysentry, which is about as revolting as double-jeopardy, only it doesn't hurt for as long, and of course I'm covered in sweat and (now) crap, and all I want to do is wipe off and crawl to bed to recover - and there's no bloody paper.

(Prepare for bad words)

I MEAN TO SAY, HOW F*ING DIFFICULT IS IT FOR A FLATMATE - ANY BLOODY FLATMATE, I DON'T CARE WHO - TO PUT A NEW BOG ROLL IN THE SHITHOUSE WHEN THEY'VE FINISHED WITH IT?? FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE, THAT'S WHAT IT IS!!!! IF I DON'T DO IT, NO-ONE BLOODY WILL!

(Back to normal now)

So now I've got 4 options - 1. Don't wipe my bum at all - (what a dirty little horror I am), 2. Walk thru the house with my trou down to get a new roll (NOT an option if we have visitors in the house), 3. Tear up the cardboard roll and try and trowel my backside clear whilst avoiding paper cuts, or lastly 4. Walk with the trousers UP to get the new paper [This last option is particularly cruel, as the byproduct (skidmarked jockey shorts) is truly horrific if they fall out of the washing basket on the kitchen floor in front of the flatmate - he'll pretend to ignore it, but the moment I'm gone he's on the phone to all our friends telling them how atrocious my personal hygenie is, and I'll have to leave the country and live in a grass tent till the memory dies down.]

Anyway, I've got to make a decision fast, I've got about another minute before my flatmates think I'm having a wank - then I get the strange looks when I get back into the lounge - "Yeah, sure, paper ran out...... Right.... Sure..."

I decide to choose option #2. It's sort of like a commando raid - I plan the trip, suss out the route and assess (from memory) any pitfalls for the trip - "Open the door, check for anyone - listen to find their relative positions in the house, run to the bathroom cupboard, grab a bog roll, check for anyone again, sprint back to the room, slam the door, SAFE HOME!"

The trip's planned better than the hostage recovery in Iraq - Ok, that's not saying much but I think I stand a reasonable chance...

So anyway, I'm about to run the gauntlet to the shithouse. Under starters orders... I open the door a crack to find out where the flatmates are... . .. The kitchen and the garage...

I'M OFF!!! (I can say that again)

Out the door, pants round the ankles (please don't let me trip and knock myself out, please let the flatmate's girlfriends be gone, please don't let a religious group come to the door and see me waving at them with my privates while I run..., etc, etc is wizzing thru my mind as I get to the bathroom. I slam the door - SAFE ON TWO!)



The Toilet #2

So I'm locked in the bathroom - well actually, I'm Jammed in the bathroom because it doesn't have a lock and that last thing I want is one of the flatmates to come in and see the old brown-eye winking at them as I forage in the cupboard for a shred of human dignity restorer. (I.e. Bog Paper) I'm actually a bit worried about them since the cat died; they're exhibiting a large number of of the key signs of sexual frustration, i.e. scratching off beer labels, walking restlessly around the house, getting up really late at night and being *really* quiet, etc etc

Anyway, I pry the cupboard open and sure enough, there's no bloody paper. I *ALWAYS* buy paper when I'm shopping, ALWAYS!!! The girl at the super market thinks I'm a janitor for a 500 room hotel complex, but I couldn't give a stuff - I *need* toilet paper. But not the flatmates, that would be too bloody easy! So I'm buggered!

Except...

There *IS* a roller towel in the kitchen...

No, I can't risk it! I ferret around in the cupboard looking for anything that will suffice in the meantime. Shit I *hate* plastic wrappers!

I consider for a moment wiping my backside on the bathmat, but my upbringing manages to save it's fluffy life. If it wasn't for my flatmate being a DIY the bath and shower would be working and all would be solved.

So what to do now?

I'm faced with knowing that I've got to do a runner. I can run to my room, but the only paper I've got there is that clean-edge 120 gsm stuff that can cut a groove in a enamelled desktop, so there's no way it's going near my backside, and all my handkercheifs have got vicks vaporub on them, so if I try one of them it'll be my singing debut with Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire" (if you know what I mean)

I decide to make a break for the kitchen. Which means I must pull my pants up. I.... ...do... gently.

Nonchalantly, I run the taps for a couple of seconds in line with my expected actions (don't want to blow my cover). I walk down and thru the lounge, and the flatmates are all watching some intellectually stimulating program, like "Days of our Lives" reruns, and I'm terrified something's going to go wrong.

What if I trip and hit my head, and they take me to hospital, and I'm in the ambulance and they have to cut my trousers off and they discover (by smell) my unwiped bum. Shit!

Eventually, weeks later, I get to the roller towel and gingerly rip off a couple of sections as quietly as possible. The last thing I need is the wanking idea (again) to pop to the flatmates minds. I start heading back to the toilet. I get to the door, and the phone rings. I put the paper down on the ground just as...

"Simon, it's for you..."

Shit! I can either shout "I'm just going to the toilet", which of course, to my flatmates is synonomous with "I'm just going to have another pull because I'm so sexually frustrated, Can someone tape the bikini jam for me.." or go and answer the phone. I go get the phone.

It's my brother.

"Where the hell were you?" He cries. "You weren't having a wank again?"

I wish the phone wasn't on hands free. I hang up, it doesn't matter any more. After him saying that, I have to spend the next 3 days having 10 second toilets or the flatmates will think...

Fuck it.

"I'm just going to have a pull" I say "Anyone got anything interesting to whack off to?"
 

nOmArch

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The Lads Prayer

Our beer,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
I will be drunk,
At home as it is in the local.
Forgive us this day our daily spillage
As we forgive those who spillest against us.
And lead us not into the practice of poncey wine tasting,
And deliver us from alco-pops,
For mine is the bitter,
the ale and the lager,
Forever and ever;
BARMEN
 

nOmArch

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Upgrade to girlfiend 1.0

Last year a friend of mine upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and
found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for
other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is
spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable
resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the
product brochure or the documentation, though other users have
informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the
application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is
always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all
other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as
Poker Night 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to
run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even
though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0
provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such
as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system
performance seems to diminish with each passing day.



Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0.
- A "Don't remind me again" button- Minimize button
- An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 be installed
with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of
cache and other system resources.

- An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which
would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much
more useful.



I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife
1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many
problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of
Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users
say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of.

Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use
of the I/O port. You think they would fixed such a stupid bug by now.

To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0
doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application
in the system.



Another thing that sucks -- all versions of Girlfriend continually
popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to
Wife 1.0



***** BUG WARNING ********

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1
before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files
before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to
install, claiming insufficient resources.
 

nOmArch

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Revenge on the cabby

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the
weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back,
and had nothing left but a quarter and the second
half of his round-trip ticket -- If he could just
get to the airport he could get himself home. So
he went out to the front of the casino where there
was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his
situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the
driver money from home, he offered him his credit
card numbers, his drivers license number, his
address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said
(adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have
fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the
businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the
airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked
long and hard to regain his financial success,
returned to Vegas and this time he won big.
Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out
to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back
to the airport. Well who should he see out there,
at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old
buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he
was down on his luck. The businessman thought
for a moment about how he could make the guy pay
for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line,
"How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much
for you to give me a blow-job on the way?"
"What?!!! Get the hell out of my cab."

The businessman got into the back of each cab
in the long line and asked the same questions,
with the same result. When he got to his old
friend at the back of the line, he got in and
asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."

The businessman said "ok" and off they went.
Then, as they drove slowly past the long line
of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and
thumbs up sign to each driver
 

nOmArch

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Long Jokes Page 1





A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.
As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.
"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."



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The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table." the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, "Yes," replied the girl, "much better."
Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the cunt."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was this man who had a serious stuttering problem. One day he went to the doctor to see about his problem "D-D-D-Doctor w-w-what the fuck is the d-d-deal with my s-s-stuttering, I cant get any C-C-Chics bec-c-c-ause they all m-m-make f-f-fun of me?"
The doctor gave him a thourough inspection and "well your stuttering is do to the imense size of your penis, what we are going to have to do is cut several inches off of it" So the man with the terrible stuttering problem goes through the operation, several weeks later he returns to the doctors office. "Doctor, i want my fuckin penis back, I cant stand this small penis I have"
The Doctor looks up at the man and says "F-F-F-Fuck You"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy walks into a bar and sits down to have a drink. There is a good looking wench sitting nearby. She looks at him a
gives him a wink. He scoots over and offers her a drink, which she gratefully accepts. After a few mild pleasantries of conversation, the young lady mentions she is going through a divorce.

"You too?" says the man. Why are you getting a divorce?"

"My husband thinks I am too perverted." was her reply.

"What a coincidence -- MY wife thinks I am too perverted!" he says to her. "She says I am too kinky when it comes
to sex..."

"Wow, my husband thinks the same of me, why don't we explore this kinkyness together?"

He agrees, they finish their drinks and leave the bar. Knowing neither can go to one another's house because of their pending divorces, they drive to a remote location where they can be alone. The woman becoming quite aroused, jumps into the back seat, and takes off her clothes in anticipation of what is to come...

"Please hurry, I want to get kinky with you!" she moans from the back seat. She hears him fumble with his belt, then hears his zip come down, then finally his pants coming down. Hardly able to control herself, she is somewhat surprised when she hears him pull his pants back up, then his zip, then his belt getting fastened.

"Hey, I thought we were going to explore our kinkyness here!" she complained.

"We did!", he says, "I just took a shit in your purse!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

he Three Bears are coming back from their nightly walk, and they see their house from about 30 feet away and they
could tell that someone had just broken in. The whole family runs in, and they all try and find out if anything that has
been taken. The poppa bear asks the mother, " Did you find anything missing?" " No." she said Then he asked the youngest bear, "Did you find anything missing?" " No." He said " But my tennis racket fucking stinks !"




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A little girl and her grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little girl sees an earthworm trying to get back into
its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five bucks you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little girl runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. she sprays the worm until it is straight
and stiff as a board. Then she stuffs the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the her five dollars, grabs the hairspray excitedely, looks at the girl with an evil grin and says
"Heres five more dollars, and dont tell anyone about this"





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Two psychiatrists (spelling..I don't give a fuck) are going by train to a conference in Pittsburgh. One decides to go pick
up the tickets while the other decides to put the bags in. The first man approaches the ticket desk to find that the woman
working behind it has emormous breasts. A bit flustered..and aroused...he approaches the desk and says...

"I'll have two pickets to Tittsburgh please."

"I beg your pardon?" the woman replies

The man goes bright red..

"I'm sorry, I'll have two tickets to Pittsburgh.."

Embarassed, he goes back to his friend.

"Oooo, I just made the worst Freudian slip. the woman at the desk had big breasts and instead of saying 'I'll have two
tickets to Pittsburgh' I said 'I'll have two pickets to Tittsburgh"

"That's nothing," his friend replies "Last night at dinner I meant to ask my wife to pass the salt, but instead I said
"Fuck you, you godamn whore you've ruined my fuckin life'"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There are these three cowboys comparing how tough they are, sitting around a campfire. first one says,"I' m so tough
once I got in a barfight with ten guys, went outside and wrestled a bear, now its my rug". Second guy says, "Thats
nothing, I got in a fight with 15 guys walked out, bit the head off a venemous snake, swallowed its poison, I'm still alive."
Third guy said nothing, stirring the coals with his dick.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


hree guys are in the final stages of interviewing for a position with the CIA. One is a white guy, another is a black guy and the last one is a mexican

The white is pulled in and told that he is in the final round for the job and there remains only one task he must complete before they make a decision. He must take this gun, walk into that room, and shoot his mom. He responds with, "No thank you, I love her too much!"

The black guyis then pulled in and told that he is in the final round for the job and there remains only one task he must complete before they make a decision. He must take this gun, walk into that room, and shoot his mom. He takes the gun, makes for the door, turns around and says, "No thanks, this job isn't that important!"

Then the mexican is pulled in and told that he is in the final round for the job and there remains only one task he must complete before they make a decision. He must take this gun, walk into that room, and shoot his own mother. He takes the gun, enters the room, "BANG, BANG" followed by bumps and screams for five minutes. When he returned and was asked what happened, he said, "You bastards, they were blanks...I had to choke the bitch!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman with no arms or legs is lying at the beach. A man walks by and she says, "Excuse me. I've never been kissed before. Would you kiss me?" The man says "Sure" and he gives her a peck on the cheeks. Another man walks by and she says, "Excuse me. I've never had my breasts fondled before. Would you fondle them?" So the second man says "Sure" and feels her up for a couple seconds. At this point she's really getting into it, so a third guy walks by and she says, "Excuse me. I've never been fucked before. Would you fuck me?" The guy says "Sure" so picks her up, throws her into the ocean, and says "now you're fucked!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two guys were walking along a deserted beach and bored to tears. The first guy says: "Hey, I have an idea. Let's split
up. You walk as far as you can that way down the beach, and I'll walk as far as I can the other way down the beach. We'll meet here tomorrow and tell each other what we did. The other gentleman agreed and each man began walking in opposite directions down the beach.

The next day, they meet and the first guy says: "So...Tell me about your day!"

The second guy smiled and said: "Oh, I had a great one! I found a small little oasis with a pond and some cool grass and
spent the day swimming and eating coconuts from a tree! What happened to you?

His friend laughed and said: "You're never going to believe it!! I walked about five miles up the coast and came to these
train tracks. I walked down the tracks about a mile and found this girl with the most incredible body I've ever seen tied
to the rails! I untied her and carried her to some grass nearby and we spent all day and night having the most incredible
sex I've ever had! This girl was amazing! We did everything together!"

The other guy looked at his friend in amazement and asked him..."Everything?"

"Everything!" he replied.

"Did she suck your dick?"

"Well...no...She didn't do that..." the man said with a sigh..."I never did find her head!"




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


There was this 92-year-old woman whose body was covered from head to toe with big festering pus-filled boils. They
were on her face, her arms and her legs...everywhere. Each was filled with mucus and blood.

This old lady was also a masochist, so she put an ad in the paper offering to pay anyone five thousand dollars if they would bite off each and every one of her boils.

She didn't get any immediate response, but sure enough after a while this guy was desperate for money and agreed to do
the job.

He showed up at the woman's house and she came out in a robe. She peeled it off and revealed her boil covered body.
The guy groaned at the tought of the task ahead of him, but he just kept concentrating on the five grand and went to
work, biting on a boil on the woman's arm until it popped blood and puss all over his face.

He kept going for over five hours, biting off the boils between the elderly woman's toes and in her armpits. He bit off
boils on her inner thighs and inside of her ears. Finally he was finished and he fell back with a pant, covered with blood,
pus, mucous and dripping with sweat. The woman lay on the bed a mass of crimson patches of bruises and ripped flesh.

"Okay lady..." the man said with a gasp, "I did it...now give me the five grand..."

"Just a second, sonny..." the woman said with a grin, "there's one more left!"

She bent over and spread her wrinkled withered butt cheeks to reveal a gigantic boil about the size of a baby's head
growing right out of her ass. The man rolled his eyes and gagged and said to himself..."What the hell, I've gone this
far...only one left...I need the money...what the hell..." and then dove face first at the butt boil, gnawing and biting at it
repeatedly trying to make it pop.

Then, out of the blue, the old woman let out a giant fart.

The man reeled back from between her butt crack and yelled at her: "WHAT ARE YA TRYING TO DO LADY...MAKE ME SICK?!?"




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The Three Legged Pig Joke, (one of my personal favorites)
man goes to visit an old friend who lives in the country. Upon arriving he sees a pig walking around with only two legs.
This motherfucker is just walking around dragging the last half of its body everywhere it goes. This peaks his curiosity so after catching up on old times he asks his friend about the pig. "I noticed a pig earlier that only had two legs, what happened to the poor animal?" he asks. "Let me tell you a story",starts his friend "last fall when I was plowing the south field I accidently got the plow caught up in some brush, couldn't break it loose so I crawled under it to cut away the vines. Just then the damn thing fell on me, pinned me to the ground. I'd still be there if it weren't fer that pig, he come running out there and started digging and rootin' till he could pull me outa there, saved my life I tellya."
"Well that is an amazing story but I must've missed something because I still don't understand how he lost his legs. Godamn that pig looks like its in some real fuckin pain" the man replied. His farmer friend went on "Why just this past spring I went out to feed the chickens one night and slipped in some chicken shit and fell right on my ass. My lantern went flying and set the whole damn place on fire. I was chokin' and lost in the smoke and just knew I was gonna die when I heard that pig squealin and rammin till he knocked the door down and dragged me out, saved my life I tellya." His friend thought for a moment and said, 'Well that's an interesting story but it still doesn't explain what happened to his legs. His friend looked at him like he was stupid and said, "Mister, when you got a pig as great as that one, you don't want to eat him all at once"



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Leper at the bar
A man walks into a pub and sits down at a table. He notices a leper at the bar. He orders a shot, drinks the shot and then
throws up. Next he orders a beer, drinks the beer and then throws up. He does this for several more drinks when finally
the leper comes over to his table and asks him, "I'm sorry if my appearance is making you ill." And the man replies,
"No, it's not you. It's the man next to you dipping his chips into your neck."


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Old fishing buddies
Mike and Bill are old fishing buddies who haven't seen each other in years. They used to grow up together in the old neighborhood and go fishing every chance they could.
Deciding it was finally time to catch up with each other, the two friends embarked on a fishing trip and began talking
about what was going on in their lives.

"Hey Bill," Mike says, "Remember Ellen Banks?"

Bill smiles, "You mean Easy Ellen? You mean Every Imput Ellen?!? Yeah. I remember her all right! Didn't she have sex
with the entire football team?"

"Yep. That's her." Mike replies.

"Well, what about her?"

Mike smiles as he unpacks his fishing gear... "I married her." he says proudly.

Feeling embarrassed, Bill tries to make up for insulting his friends wife.

"Boy...I guess you must have a pretty great sex life with that Ellen!" Bill says uneasily.

Mike sighs and says: "Well, not really. Her pussy is covered with sores and lesions and it's really dirty. I actually can't
have sex with her at all."

"Well, Ellen had some great tits! I bet at least those keep you happy!"

Mike shakes his head no. "Her breasts are covered with cancer and they really can't be touched."

"But Ellen was known for giving great blow jobs! Those must get you thru the night."

Mike shrugs his shoulders. "Nope. She can't do that either anymore. Her mouth is riddled with herpes and mucus. I'm
not even supposed to kiss her."

Bill looks over at his friend perplexed..."So if you can't fuck her, suck her tits, get a blow job or even kiss her...why did
you marry her?!?"

Casting his fishing line out into the water, Mike grins at his friend and says "She shits the best worms!"

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ok that'll do for tonight ;)
 
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