This movie has some really good bones, and your edit makes that much more obvious
There are a few minor things here that I think make it struggle to get the story across. The most notable was probably Hela establishing that most of Odin"s treasures are fake, which not only reinforces the theme of valid criticisms of his legacy, but also makes it clear that Loki stole the very real Tesseract at the end by training the audience to visually recognize it. Without that it becomes an easter egg so brief you could almost miss it if you blink. Thor's reaction to what vestiges of the "strongest Avenger" access gag still remain didn't really make sense out of context. This also kind of ties in with the running gag of Hulk and Thor jibing at each other. You could try to restore a little more so both elements synergize well without it feeling too dragged out, or trim it more heavily - I could see it working either way. "Get help" was another gag I found myself missing for their comraderie. Loki and Thor's complex relationship turned around kind of abruptly with Loki's motivation for helping Asgard being vague after they did nothing but bicker and betray each other while escaping. I think it's important to show both sides of this so it makes sense when Loki has a change of heart. I also might have an idea for reinstating the Dr Strange stuff by using the post-credit version of this scene from his movie to convey the same information in a less cringy way along with some very heavy trimming of Loki's shenanigans. This isn't super essential, but the pacing in your edit didn't feel quite right, and I think effective use of crossover elements is one of this movie's main strengths
There are also some gags I think you didn't trim heavily ENOUGH. The most cringe-inducing was by far and away Thor overexplaining his admiration of the Valkyries. This should have stopped at "...until I found out they were all women." Obviously the punchline is that he's ineligible to be one, so even with your trim it went on way too long. The blocking here is a little complicated, so it might be tricky to make it make sense, I'm picturing something like the guards showing up to drag him away, and that's what shuts him up. Korg's comparisons to Doug come up over and over, but it might be worth at least removing some of them like the one at the end of the gladiator fight that hurts the impact of Hulk's final blow. "None of them are for flying a spaceship" was by far the funniest line in the movie, but it might be worth taking a look at if you want this to be more of a tense action sequence. "Use one of your PHDs" is also a pretty solid punchline since the idea that they would be of any use here is obviously ridiculous without Banner needing to explain it to us. The direction of this scene also ties in with my final point
The electronic tracks on the OST suck for trying to make this movie more heroic. The more you trim down jokes while these are playing, the more apathetic and devoid of danger the action scenes feel. This includes the one that plays right after the mid-credits scene, which should be the most terrifying image of the whole movie. Immigrant Song playing twice also robbed it of its impact on the bridge setpiece. I think the final piece this edit needs to meet its design goal is a massive rescore of all the Sakaar scenes. In some cases the added contrast might even make certain things funnier, like if you give Valkyrie a badass intro theme which then abruptly cuts off when she falls off her own boarding ramp. There are a few tracks that are diegetic, so those can stay since they flesh out the local culture. I picked up a couple pieces in the credits that sounded like really good contenders for main action themes assuming they're not already overused, but of course you could also look to other Thor or even Avengers movies