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Frankenlove (A Screenplay)
- Thread starter Duragizer
- Start date
Duragizer
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FADE IN
On Adolf Hyla's painting, The Divine Mercy.
GHOST OF ROD SERLING: (V.O.) In the beginning was the word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God, all things were made through him, and without him was not everything made that was made.
The Divine Mercy is suddenly replaced with William Blake's etching, The Ancient of Days.
GHOST OF ROD SERLING: (V.O.; cont'd) But we aren't going to talk about that God today, as this tale revolves around a universe created by a completely different god altogether.
A montage of paintings depicting the six Biblical days of creation plays out across the screen.
GHOST OF ROD SERLING: (V.O.): In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without form and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep; and the Spirit of God was moving over the face of the waters.
CUT TO
An image of Linda Blair's face from The Exorcist exploding.
TITLE CARD: Frankenlove (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Modern Prometheus)
INT. D & E'S HOME/LIVING ROOM — NIGHT
The living room — painted in various shades of brown — is very spartan, adorned only with a few bits of furniture, a single tall lamp, and a sepia-toned photograph of Vincent Price hung upon the wall.
In an uncomfortable-looking metal chair sits D, a pretty twenty-something redhead. She keeps her hands folded in her lap with her legs closed tightly together. Wearing a blue-&-white polka dot dress, white apron with lacy pink trim, and large unwholesome smile, D is the picture of the typical '50s housewife.
D: (singing) Lollipop, lollipop. O lolli, lolli, lolli, lollipop!
Parting her legs, D reaches under her dress, withdraws a purple popsicle, and proceeds to suck on it.
E'S VOICE: (O.C.) I hope you brought enough to share with the rest of the class, young lady!
PAN RIGHT
To E, D's husband, who stands in the living room's open doorway. Wearing black suspenders, red flannel work shirt, brown bowler cap, and large unwholesome smile, E is the picture of the typical '50s working drunkard.
D: (stuffs popsicle back under dress; jumps to feet) Ooh, E! My darling, darling, darling, darling husband!
E: (takes off & tosses aside bowler; embraces D) D! My lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely bride! You're looking swell!
D & E begin jitterbugging around the living room floor.
D: Did you pick up your cheque?
E: No! That goof boss of mine didn't give it to me! He says I've been jacking off on the job!
D: But everyone jacks off on the job! It relieves tension!
E: Yeah, but he's a real Kellogg.
D: Well, I don't care so long as you still love me.
BACKSTREET BOYS: (O.C.) As long as you love me....
E: (annoyed) What's this beatnik noise I'm hearing‽
D: It's not beatnik noise, dear. It's from the '90s. There are no beatniks in the '90s.
E: I don't care! It's horrid! Turn it off!
Crestfallen, D stops jiggerbugging and crosses over to the Victrola. Taking the record off the turntable, she throws it against the wall, shattering it.
Suddenly, a villainous-looking black man in a black suit, black cape, black mustache, black monocle, and black top hat crashes through a wall. This is LORD FAWDOR, D & E's landlord.
LORD FAWDOR: Rent! Rent! Non-circulating Canadian pennies, nickels, dimes — four loonies and a toonie!
E: No rent.
D: No rent.
LORD FAWDOR: I'm the rent.
Fawdor collapses to his knees.
LORD FAWDOR: NOOOO!!!
INT. LORD FAWDOR'S PORN STUDIO/SET — TWILIGHT
Fawdor sits in his director's chair, a cameraman beside him. D & E are on the set, Brad Roberts and Ellen Reid of The Crash Test Dummies performing with them. D is tied down to a mechanical bull, helpless as Brad force-feeds her blood sausage after blood sausage. E, chained to a pillar, is forced to watch while Ellen, crouched down beside him, holds a glass bottle of cream soda before his crotch, shaking it. After several seconds of vigorous shaking, the cap pops off, spraying cream soda all over Brad and D.
BRAD ROBERTS: Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm.
Fawdor grins with malevolent malice.
EXT. BUS STOP — DAY
D & E stand at the bus stop alone, clothes tattered and/or sticky with dried cream soda, eyes dark, haunted.
E: Hon?
D: Yes, hon?
E: I'm allergic to cinnamon buns.
IRIS OUT
End titles
INT. LORD FAWDOR'S PORN STUDIO/CUTTING ROOM — SUNSET
SUPERIMPOSE: POST-CREDITS SCENE!
Fawdor is busy splitting & splicing reels of film when he hears a KNOCK at the room. Leaving his equipment, he goes to answer the door. On the other side stands Nicolas Cage in a grimdark black Superman costume.
SUPERCAGE: (grins maniacally ) Up, up, and away!
Supercage sends a right hook into Fawdor's chin. Fawdor's head is punched clean off, sent crashing through the ceiling, leaving the raw neck stump to gush bright red Karo Syrup.
EXT. SPACE
Fawdor's head achieves escape velocity.
LORD FAWDOR: My God — it's full of stars!
Fawdor's head jumps to hyperspace.
On Adolf Hyla's painting, The Divine Mercy.
GHOST OF ROD SERLING: (V.O.) In the beginning was the word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God, all things were made through him, and without him was not everything made that was made.
The Divine Mercy is suddenly replaced with William Blake's etching, The Ancient of Days.
GHOST OF ROD SERLING: (V.O.; cont'd) But we aren't going to talk about that God today, as this tale revolves around a universe created by a completely different god altogether.
A montage of paintings depicting the six Biblical days of creation plays out across the screen.
GHOST OF ROD SERLING: (V.O.): In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without form and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep; and the Spirit of God was moving over the face of the waters.
CUT TO
An image of Linda Blair's face from The Exorcist exploding.
TITLE CARD: Frankenlove (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Modern Prometheus)
INT. D & E'S HOME/LIVING ROOM — NIGHT
The living room — painted in various shades of brown — is very spartan, adorned only with a few bits of furniture, a single tall lamp, and a sepia-toned photograph of Vincent Price hung upon the wall.
In an uncomfortable-looking metal chair sits D, a pretty twenty-something redhead. She keeps her hands folded in her lap with her legs closed tightly together. Wearing a blue-&-white polka dot dress, white apron with lacy pink trim, and large unwholesome smile, D is the picture of the typical '50s housewife.
D: (singing) Lollipop, lollipop. O lolli, lolli, lolli, lollipop!
Parting her legs, D reaches under her dress, withdraws a purple popsicle, and proceeds to suck on it.
E'S VOICE: (O.C.) I hope you brought enough to share with the rest of the class, young lady!
PAN RIGHT
To E, D's husband, who stands in the living room's open doorway. Wearing black suspenders, red flannel work shirt, brown bowler cap, and large unwholesome smile, E is the picture of the typical '50s working drunkard.
D: (stuffs popsicle back under dress; jumps to feet) Ooh, E! My darling, darling, darling, darling husband!
E: (takes off & tosses aside bowler; embraces D) D! My lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely bride! You're looking swell!
D & E begin jitterbugging around the living room floor.
D: Did you pick up your cheque?
E: No! That goof boss of mine didn't give it to me! He says I've been jacking off on the job!
D: But everyone jacks off on the job! It relieves tension!
E: Yeah, but he's a real Kellogg.
D: Well, I don't care so long as you still love me.
BACKSTREET BOYS: (O.C.) As long as you love me....
E: (annoyed) What's this beatnik noise I'm hearing‽
D: It's not beatnik noise, dear. It's from the '90s. There are no beatniks in the '90s.
E: I don't care! It's horrid! Turn it off!
Crestfallen, D stops jiggerbugging and crosses over to the Victrola. Taking the record off the turntable, she throws it against the wall, shattering it.
Suddenly, a villainous-looking black man in a black suit, black cape, black mustache, black monocle, and black top hat crashes through a wall. This is LORD FAWDOR, D & E's landlord.
LORD FAWDOR: Rent! Rent! Non-circulating Canadian pennies, nickels, dimes — four loonies and a toonie!
E: No rent.
D: No rent.
LORD FAWDOR: I'm the rent.
Fawdor collapses to his knees.
LORD FAWDOR: NOOOO!!!
INT. LORD FAWDOR'S PORN STUDIO/SET — TWILIGHT
Fawdor sits in his director's chair, a cameraman beside him. D & E are on the set, Brad Roberts and Ellen Reid of The Crash Test Dummies performing with them. D is tied down to a mechanical bull, helpless as Brad force-feeds her blood sausage after blood sausage. E, chained to a pillar, is forced to watch while Ellen, crouched down beside him, holds a glass bottle of cream soda before his crotch, shaking it. After several seconds of vigorous shaking, the cap pops off, spraying cream soda all over Brad and D.
BRAD ROBERTS: Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm.
Fawdor grins with malevolent malice.
EXT. BUS STOP — DAY
D & E stand at the bus stop alone, clothes tattered and/or sticky with dried cream soda, eyes dark, haunted.
E: Hon?
D: Yes, hon?
E: I'm allergic to cinnamon buns.
IRIS OUT
End titles
INT. LORD FAWDOR'S PORN STUDIO/CUTTING ROOM — SUNSET
SUPERIMPOSE: POST-CREDITS SCENE!
Fawdor is busy splitting & splicing reels of film when he hears a KNOCK at the room. Leaving his equipment, he goes to answer the door. On the other side stands Nicolas Cage in a grimdark black Superman costume.
SUPERCAGE: (grins maniacally ) Up, up, and away!
Supercage sends a right hook into Fawdor's chin. Fawdor's head is punched clean off, sent crashing through the ceiling, leaving the raw neck stump to gush bright red Karo Syrup.
EXT. SPACE
Fawdor's head achieves escape velocity.
LORD FAWDOR: My God — it's full of stars!
Fawdor's head jumps to hyperspace.