BAYformers...sucked major ass. Major, major ass. And it's nothing to do with how the giant transforming robots were created, this is the ONLY thing Bay's team got right. Let's go over this from my horrible experience:
1) This is NOT, repeat, NOT a story of "a boy and his robot."
Apesadumbrado, Se?ior Spielbergo. We got that with THE IRON GIANT. No, no. This is a story of a military dude who's wife just had a baby while husband is fighting in the desert when an evil robot attack occurs and occurs and occurs until he has a verbal argument with a phone operator over credit cards and long distance service providers cuing lame US Government agency to recruit lamer computer geeks along with one impossibly hot female who's so smart and British that she goes outside the system to recruit a stereotypical black dude who's even smarter so he breaks the code without really trying meanwhile a ADHD (Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder)boy desperately hocking priceless family heirlooms so he can deliver the
"wink-wink...it's the whole backstory plus major plotpoints in 30 seconds or less so listen up, little duders...'cuz it's the 411! Wink, WINK, WIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK! HEY! OVER HERE!" speech who gets a rusted out shitbox car that is actually able to be purchased without paying the price he paid from a stereotypical funny black guy who just happens to have the car in question near the former car of cartoon lore past who speaks in snippits of pop culture dialog similar to another character from a movie that has a similar name but came 21 years earlier.....awwww, fuckit. It's a jumbled, mis-mashed mess of something that could have seriously redefined Bay. If Bay is smart, he'll make a "director's cut" that actually LOSES whole scenes and rearrange the plot just to give some heart back to this film. It would take a bit to get to it, but there's heart in this film. Somewhere.....
2) There is no relationship developed between Sam and Bumblebee. He's just a "pussy wagon" for Sam (tell me honestly you didn't think that when the whole "HEY! IT'S ME, THE SONG CUE FROM
KILL BILL" sequence occurs). Case in point: the horrible, and downright
creepy ending where it becomes apparent that the English language websites weren't the only thing the Autobots had been viewing on the Internet. Thank
YOU, Tommy's Bookmarks! And let's not forget (who can) his blatant "oil leakage" on government agents...followed by THE WORST line in TF history "NO, Bumblebee! Stop! Bad Bumblebee!" Or something to that effect... :shock: :???: :x
In the comic books, Sam was a mechanic and he could fix things. This proved to be a terrific bond for a boy and his robot. The film protrays him as a desperate ebay nerd out to sell his soul for a car he could barely understand to know where the gas tank is.
3) Mountain Dewticus...or whatever you call the product placement robots. Come ON...... :-x
4) Introduction of Jazz/Death of Jazz. ??? Hello, modern stereotypical black robot reference! :-? This is the saddest thing for me, because if the wording had been done right, THIS character would have been 100% correct, unlike the rest. And he, like the black soldier, dies. And what are we given to remember him by? Prime...holding him like Hamlet would a human skull while saying "Awwww....Jazz." I laughed my ass off when this happened, and it wasn't a "dealing with shock" laughter. No, this was FUNNY in a moment humor had no place.
5) The glasses. Jesus H. "Tap Dancing" Christ! So the map to the AllSpark and Megatron are contained on these glasses. :shock: Let's examine this for a moment, shall we?
a) Since Megatron froze solid WITHOUT any fellow Decepticons, who told ANYONE on Cybertron where this map was?
b) IF the sole purpose of these glasses was the map contained on them...then for the love of God tell me how the Decepticons weren't able to read the map from the picture of the glasses on the ebay listing? If they scan the entire image from the glasses (and they do people) and recognize the Cybertornian symbol language, then they DEFINITELY recognize what it says. So hence...no glasses needed anymore. War over before it begins, so to speak.
6) AllSpark cube. Anyone amazed by the fact it looked like an oversized rejected design of the HELLRAISER puzzle box? I almost imagined Megatron spewing lines like "The box. You opened it. We came. " or "We have such sights to show you!" or even the oft quoted "We will tear your soul apart." Uh, mission accomplished on the last one, Mr. Bay. :-(
7) Megatron. What was the point of getting Hugo Weaving to voice Megatron when they went through so much trouble to match him to Frank Welkner's voice? BORING! Oh, and why...oh God WHY does Megatron speak English when he's been frozen quite along time? And never interacted with humans. Or read the internet? Oh, that's right. The iPod was based on technology Sector Seven based on examining him. English abound! :???: Not only that, why did Sam make it to the top of a building BEFORE Megatron, a flying jet...yes...A FLYING JET cabable of ungodly speeds when compared to the human foot. Megatron could've just blown his ass away or at least demolished the building to crush him to death. Like the AllSpark would've been damaged by falling debris.
8 ) Megan Fox. Sorry, even T&A doesn't save her. The acting was sub-par at best. And what was the whole reason for her spewing about her dad's and her own criminal past? Just so she could hotwire a tow truck so Bumblebee can blast Decepticons to the new Smashing Pumpkins song. Oh. Count. Me. In. On. The. Fun. :?
9) Shia LaBeouf. Ugh. Am I alone thinking the dude is HIGHLY overrated? Megan's performace is an Oscar winner compared to his. And that's just the part where she's shaking her hips while walking. Steven Spielberg, if you're out there...please, STOP OVERRATING YOUNG ACTORS like Shia. He's charming, but in a "Kenny G concert flashback by Garth in WAYNE'S WORLD 2" sort of way. He's gonna screw over the new INDIANA JONES movie. Mark my words. Just you wait.
10) Sam's parents. They're not parents! HELL NO! When's the last time your mom mentioned MASTURBATING to you? Exactly! This flipped the movie into AMERICAN PIE mode. Come onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn...... :x
I could go on. The odd thing of it is, you snip out bits here and there and change the order of just a few things and you've got a movie that would've worked on ALL levels. Sam doesn't need the girl, Sam needs the Autobots. They need him to understand mankind so they can protect it.
Oh, and this is just a guess, but I think the reason why Bumblebee didn't speak until the end wasn't because his voice box remained damaged (remember, Ratchet mentions they've tried forever to fix it but nothing seems to work) but because he probably promised himself he wouldn't speak until their mission was accomplished. It still doesn't explain how he sounds like C-3PO at the end. :???: :???: :???:
All in all, this movie is a jarring experience to me. Almost as jarring as seeing John McClaine in PEARL HARBOR. What...you haven't seen him? Well...
This movie earns a "SNOOZE BUTTON!" rating from me.
Best Regards,
InvisibleWolfMan
