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BLURB-translator

Remixed by Jorge

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''One of the best films of the year!'' This is the Mother of All Blurbs, most commonly sighted on TV and in newspapers around awards season.
TRANSLATION: ''It's not.''

''Delightfully funny! Chemistry galore!'' (Leap Year)
TRANSLATION: ''You might laugh once or twice, but don't count on it. The actors are clearly breathing, however, and sometimes they breathe on each other.''

''Prepare to die laughing!'' (It's Complicated)
TRANSLATION: ''You will see actors you know and respect doing wacky things!'' Also, ask yourself this: Do you want to die laughing? I suppose it would be better than choking to death on a steak bomb at Quiznos, but still.

''Clint Eastwood is a master at the top of his game!'' (Invictus)
TRANSLATION: ''Clint Eastwood sure is getting old and wrinkly, isn't he?''

''The most romantic movie of the year!'' (New Moon)
TRANSLATION: ''No sex. No nudity. Many smoldering glances.''

''The perfect family comedy!'' (Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel)
TRANSLATION: ''Your kids will laugh; you and your wife will feel years, centuries, and perhaps even eons pass while you wait — oh, God, please let it be soon — for this squeakfest to end.''

''[Emily] Blunt puts the Vicki in the young Victoria!'' (The Young Victoria)
TRANSLATION: Sorry, I have no f---ing clue what this means. It's from Rex Reed, who can be dense and allusive, kind of a Blurb-O-Mat James Joyce.

''Peter Jackson scores again!'' (The Lovely Bones)
TRANSLATION: ''Gosh! Those Lord of the Rings movies sure were good, weren't they?''

''Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law were born to play this duo!'' (Sherlock Holmes)
TRANSLATION: ''It's a buddy flick.''


A few generic blurbs also deserve mention.

''Magnificent!'' usually means ''Good scenery, but otherwise it'll bore your breasts off.''

''X and Y as you've never seen them before!'' translates as ''Well-known actors who have been hideously miscast!''

''Fun for the whole family!'' means ''You'll all be bored and your 3-year-old will at some point whiz in his pants.''

''The best performance of his/her career!'' means ''We're hoping for some nominations so we can get this turkey into the black.''
 

zeppelinrox

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I'd have to agree with all those translations.

They used to be useful though, back in the day.
I remember browsing through VHS tapes at the local video rental place looking for obscure gems with some success by reading the blurbs on the boxes.

Some that come to mind were Angel Heart (ok, that one isn't very obscure), 13th Floor, one where Sean Connery is a priest... ummm.. Name of the Rose I think it was...

I used to love finding movies with twist endings. But these days, it seems every other movie throws in a twist... it's too much of a gimmick now.
 
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